Rhonda and the ladies from The Purple Pinkie Salon were in a festive mood. It was time for their annual Christmas party!
They bid farewell to the salon’s Elf, Dickie Doo, hopped into the car, and headed out for a night of merriment.
Then things took a bit of a turn, to say the least.
Someone snuck a ride.
When the giggling gang got to the hotel, they thought it would be fine to just leave Dickie Doo in the room.
Then they changed their minds.
With a resigned sigh, Rhonda popped him in her purse, told him to behave, and went to the bar to toast the holidays with friends and co-workers.
Dickie Doo was quick to get in on the action.
Dickie Doo’s serving size was WAY bigger than it should have been, so the night quickly got out of control.
Case in point: within fifteen minutes of his first drink, Dickie Doo got stuck in the cleavage of Miss Full Figure Drag Queen USA, who suddenly had a fist full of singles.
One of Rhonda’s friends was able to pry Dickie Doo out and the ladies dragged him back to the hotel room. Enough is enough, Dickie!
They made him Pinky Swear to be on good behavior for the rest of the night, locked the Adult Access channels on the TV, and went back out without him.
It is unclear what happened after that, but there was a little security footage…
Rhonda was charged for six busted hotel security cameras on her floor, in the elevator and by the rear hotel exit, but Dickie Doo didn’t show back up until the following week, so she’s not sure where he went, what he did, or how he got back home.
And Dickie Doo sure as heck ain’t talkin’.
Next year? There will be a mandatory handbag and car search before Rhonda and the Purple Pinkie crew head out for their holiday celebration. You can bet your bottom (crumbled, sweaty) dollar on that.
Every shopping mall in America has a “Santa” in December, ready to listen to kids tell him their Wish Lists and hand out lollipops.
Drop Dead Fred the Elf doesn’t have a problem with this.
He has a problem with peoplepuppets anyone else imitating The Man With the Bag. If there’s no line of kids or gifts to hand out, he gets very suspicous of the impersonator’s intentions.
He gets very defensive.
He gets very violent.
Just ask Animal, who thought it’d be a hoot to don a festive beard and cap.
Uh….nevermind. Unless you have the ability to talk to the dead, that is.
I have a feeling Santa will not be as pleased with Drop Dead Fred’s Citizen’s Arrest as DDF thinks he’ll be. I mean…it’s not exactly an “arrest” when you stab a Muppet to death just for dressing like Mr. Claus.
This is one Elf who deserves to be on The Naughty List. And in prison.
Elf submitted by Dawn I. Follow her on Instagram. No Muppets were actually murdered in the making of this post. I hope. Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.
A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.
You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.
Not. The case.
Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.
Oh! The possibilities!
Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.
But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.
He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.
We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.
How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.
This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.
Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…