These Elves Made the Most of Their Last Weekend of Freedom

They knew the end was near.

The Elf End is Near on @ElfShaming

And we’re not talking about the Mayan End-of-the-World thing.

The elves knew that this was the last weekend before Christmas. So they did what they do best.

GOT COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Wayne & Billy went to a cabin in Big Bear with their cousins, partying hard with Barbie and one of those whorish Monster High Dolls.

Elves submitted by Val Perez.
Elves submitted by Val Perez.

But he wasn’t the only one into drugs and booze…

Elf submitted by Melinda F.
Elf submitted by Melinda F.

Blink the Elf surrounded himself with all the Holiday Ladies of the house, talking them into a one-man “celebration.”

Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.
Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.

Henry refused to leave the bar even ONCE to check on the kids.

Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.
Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.

Bob tried to get himself kicked out of the North Pole.

Elf submitted by Jodi.
Elf submitted by Jodi via Facebook.

This guy became a Chippendales dancer.

Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.
Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.

Some cracked open their owners’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and put it to the test.

Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.

 There’s many, many, MANNNNNNY more where that came from. 

But at this point? I’m getting downright disgusted at all this debauchery.

Damn elves.

Elf submitted via email & Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

An Elf Bedtime Story

Pay close attention when your Elf is doing something “Nice.”

#ElfOnTheShelf Bedtime Stories on @ElfShaming

It may not be very appropriate…but at least it could be a sign of a pretty awesome sense of humor.

Go the F to Sleep on @ElfShaming PassionateNotPushy

I can’t blame Jenny from not interrupting the scene she recently came upon, starring her Elf, Skully, and her son.

When you have a 3-year-old who is a crappy sleeper, you’ll take what nighttime assistance (and laughs) you can.

Elf submitted by Jenny of Passionate Not Pushy.
Order the book Go the F**k to Sleep HERE.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

You Won’t Believe Where Dickie Doo Has Been

Dickie Doo takes celebrating a bit too far.

PurplePinkie on @ElfShaming #ElfontheShelf

Rhonda and the ladies from The Purple Pinkie Salon were in a festive mood. It was time for their annual Christmas party!

They bid farewell to the salon’s Elf, Dickie Doo, hopped into the car, and headed out for a night of merriment.

Then things took a bit of a turn, to say the least.

Someone snuck a ride.

Shouldn't he be in a really REALLY small carseat?
Shouldn’t he be in a really REALLY small carseat?

When the giggling gang got to the hotel, they thought it would be fine to just leave Dickie Doo in the room.

Then they changed their minds.

Ooooohhhh...big screeeeen...
Ooooohhhh…big screeeeen…

With a resigned sigh, Rhonda popped him in her purse, told him to behave, and went to the bar to toast the holidays with friends and co-workers.

Dickie Doo was quick to get in on the action.

Hey! Quick hoggin' the cabernet, DD!
Hey! Quick hoggin’ the cabernet, DD!

Dickie Doo’s serving size was WAY bigger than it should have been, so the night quickly got out of control.

Case in point: within fifteen minutes of his first drink, Dickie Doo got stuck in the cleavage of Miss Full Figure Drag Queen USA, who suddenly had a fist full of singles.

*mumblemumblemumble!*
*mumblemumblemumble!*

One of Rhonda’s friends was able to pry Dickie Doo out and the ladies dragged him back to the hotel room. Enough is enough, Dickie!

They made him Pinky Swear to be on good behavior for the rest of the night, locked the Adult Access channels on the TV, and went back out without him.

It is unclear what happened after that, but there was a little security footage…

Peek-a-Boo!
Peek-a-Boo!

…and then…

Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!
Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!

Rhonda was charged for six busted hotel security cameras on her floor, in the elevator and by the rear hotel exit, but Dickie Doo didn’t show back up until the following week, so she’s not sure where he went, what he did, or how he got back home.

And Dickie Doo sure as heck ain’t talkin’.

Next year? There will be a mandatory handbag and car search before Rhonda and the Purple Pinkie crew head out for their holiday celebration. You can bet your bottom (crumbled, sweaty) dollar on that.

Elf submitted by Rhonda from The Purple Pinkie.
See more of Rhonda’s crazy elf Dickie Doo on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf’s Name Tells All

Jumbo hates to waste his gift.

I mean, his name IS “Jumbo.” Soooo….I guess it would be unfortunate if he kept his finest quality to himself.

It’s just that, well, his host mom, Shawn, isn’t a big fan of walking in on his gift in action.

Long, strong, flexible, AND hung like a reindeer: Impressive.

Yet…

Constantly persuading the nutcrackers to service him: Shameful.

(Errr…I think…?) 

Elf submitted by Shawn of Shawnisms.
Follow Shawn on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

“Kandy” Had Too Much Fun

Most Girls’ Night Outs just end with fond memories and inside jokes.

But not all of them.

 

What started as drinks with the girls, resulted in a major Life change that could seriously damage her chances at career advancement.

Or will it?

You be the judge. 

Read the whole sordid story here on Juicebox Confession.

Let’s just hope that “Kandy” has learned to lay off the Peppermint Schnapps.  

Elf submitted by Michelle of Juicebox Confession.
Follow Michelle on Facebook & Twitter.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf on the Shelf is For Sale

I have nothing against transvestites, cross-dressers, or anything of the sort.

What I do have a problem with – and Ladies, I’m guessing you’re with me on this one – is when a fella like Teddy looks better than I do while cross dressing.

I mean, I’m a woman and I don’t look half as believable as he does in that make-up.

And look at those gams! He makes those knee-high boots his bitch.

As well as Woody.

What should he be ashamed of, you ask?

The illegal prostitution, for one, and tricking his filthy clients into believing he doesn’t have a twig and berries beneath that party dress until it’s too late.

And I’m not just saying that because he’s got a better figure than me.

I’m not jealous at all.

Nope. Not at all. 

Elf submitted by Leigh of Me & Meg.
Follow Leigh & Meg on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Drop Dead Fred Makes a Citizen’s Arrest

Defending Santa’s honor is not a bad thing.

Getting blood on your hands is.

Every shopping mall in America has a “Santa” in December, ready to listen to kids tell him their Wish Lists and hand out lollipops.

Drop Dead Fred the Elf doesn’t have a problem with this.

He has a problem with people puppets anyone else imitating The Man With the Bag. If there’s no line of kids or gifts to hand out, he gets very suspicous of the impersonator’s intentions.

He gets very defensive.

He gets very violent.

Just ask Animal, who thought it’d be a hoot to don a festive beard and cap. 

 Uh….nevermind. Unless you have the ability to talk to the dead, that is.

I have a feeling Santa will not be as pleased with Drop Dead Fred’s Citizen’s Arrest as DDF thinks he’ll be. I mean…it’s not exactly an “arrest” when you stab a Muppet to death just for dressing like Mr. Claus. 

This is one Elf who deserves to be on The Naughty List. And in prison.

Elf submitted by Dawn I. Follow her on Instagram.
No Muppets were actually murdered in the making of this post. I hope.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elves Aren’t Supposed to do Taxidermy

Jenny should have seen this coming.

When The Bloggess brought an Elf on the Shelf into her home, all she asked for was a bit of controlled merriment for her kid.

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…when will you learn?

Of course the felted bitch went rogue.

It began with this:

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

I’m a fan of The Never Ending Story as much as the next 30-something-year-old. But shouldn’t that Elf spend her daylight hours doing what Jenny wants her to do?

For example, either sitting around judging the family like she was created to do, or ransacking the house for hidden drugs like she was asked to do

Instead of sitting or ransacking, this over-achieving Elf misread her instruction manual and took on a task. 

It didn’t take long for her to observe her owner’s love of all things (naturally) dead and stuffed. And sometimes in tasteful costume.

Refusing to leave the gift-giving up to Santa, this Elf got herself a steak knife from the kitchen and tried her (fingerless) hand at taxidermy. Unfortunately, she attempted this on the leather couch. 

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

Her intentions may have been in a good place. But her knife decidedly was not.

Next time, this little Dexter Morgan of upholstered furniture better leave the crafting to the professionals and just sit her skirted ass down where it belongs.

Even if that means another ride on a golden taxidermied hamster.

Elf submitted by Jenny of TheBloggess.com.
Buy her book. You will laugh obscenely. 

Follow Jenny on Twitter & Facebook.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Choppy Elfie is a Lazy S.O.B.

A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.

You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.

Not. The case.

Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.

Oh! The possibilities!

Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.

But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.

He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.

We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.

How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.

This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.

Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…

Elf submitted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
You want to buy her book. Trust me: you’ll laugh.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Repositioning the Elves

Some Elves shouldn’t be left home alone.

Also? Some Elf Owners shouldn’t be left home alone.

Instead of finishing all those home projects that have been lingering for ages, updating his will, or researching new manscaping devices, Midget Man of Steel got busy reading…

…the Kama Sutra sex position manual.

Then got busy finding his camera.

And gathering up his Elf on the Shelf buddies.

Sure, MidgetManofSteel should be ashamed of his perverse puppetry, but the elves were more than happy to go along with this little game. There was no will to bend, no persuading to do.

The Elves were very excited participants in this sick game of Show & Tell.

Very, very excited participants, the kinky bastards.

Which is why the Shelf Elf Kama Sutra post exists. Go ahead, take a look (if you’re over 18 years old, and a sick freak who likes Elves bending for pleasure).

Just know that if you enjoy it? You should be ashamed, too.

Elf submitted by Midget Man of Steel
Follow MMoS as @moooooog35 on Twitter.
He has a book coming out in January. It’s going to be very funny. For real.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.