He Knows Too Much

I have a naughty little elf of another sort visiting me today, while I round up the tiny felty ones who seem to have scattered around here…somewhere. Enjoy!


He Knows too Much by Peyton Price on ElfShaming

by Peyton Price

I’m pretty much shameless about Christmas. I put lights on all four sides of the house the day after Thanksgiving and set a timer to keep them on from 4:30 pm to 11:30 pm every night. I march my family back and forth across acres of trees to find the perfect 12-footer, then cover it with so many decorations you’d never even know it was a real tree. I send paper cards with real handwriting on the card and the envelope. I’m a regular Cindy Lou Who.

So, it might surprise you to hear there are some Christmas moments I’m not proud of. Ones I want to deny ever happened. The trouble is, there’s a witness to these events. A tiny witness who knows too much. He knows about me:

  • Screaming at the kids to “Stay out of the @#$%^& Christmas cookies, for %^&* sake!”
  • Fast forwarding through those two weird songs in the middle of White Christmas.
  • Wrapping up a pair of vases because I broke the third one and don’t have time for this shizz.
  • Hanging my husband’s favorite ornament on the back of the tree, at shin level.
  • Doing what I did to that box of Godiva chocolates, aka seven minutes in heaven.
  • Saying “WHOA” at photo card pubescents.
  • Plucking a dog hair out of the cookie dough.
  • Uttering all seven dirty words that year I bought the cheapo foil wrapping paper.
  • Telling the postal worker there were no liquids in that package of maple syrup.
  • Making everyone wait to open presents until my face is mattified.

Now that I see this naughty list, I realize I can’t take the risk he’ll rat me out to the big man. So I guess this means it’s Christmas curtains for you-know-who. Mum’s the word.


Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her spreading good cheer (or in the closet weeping) and at suburbanhaiku.com.

Her little hardcover book makes the perfect holiday or hostess gift for everyone on your list. See my review of it on Amazon, or click on the image below to learn more:

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The Number One Elf on the Shelf Tip of Them All

Managing your Elf on the Shelf every winter can be a hassle.

The logistics take time and brain power many of us parents simply don’t have during the hectic holiday season. Facebook feeds are FULL of laments about this responsibility–especially about forgetting to move the elf.

This is why I’m about to hand you an Elf on the Shelf tip that will save your sanity.

Top Elf on the Shelf Tip by ElfShaming

Your mind is about to be blown, and your thumbs are about to take action.

Are you ready?

THIS is what you need in you life:

Elf on the Shelf Reminders by ElfShaming

 

Set up those three reminders every day–use code words if your little ones use your phone on the regular–then sit back, relax, and don’t worry about a thing until it’s time to box that felty bastard back up again on Christmas Eve.

Fall asleep early? Not a problem! Your morning alarm will wake you in time to dash downstairs and make the magic happen before your kids get up and start their daily search.

Need some ideas for what to do with them every night? Check out these 106 ideas.

You’re welcome.

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The Kind of Shining You ABSOLUTELY Do Not Want on Your Tree

It’s a good thing we’re getting some time off for the holidays, because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

And by that I mean OMG LOOK OUT HE HAS AN AXE!

Elf on the Shelf The Shining on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

The funny thing is that this doesn’t look too scary if you haven’t seen the movie. But if you have seen it? I’m truly sorry for making you piddle your pants and fear your upcoming hotel stay.

Then again, maybe playtime isn’t always as fun as it could be?

The Shining Twins on ElfShaming

Have any other favorite scenes from The Shining? Send them my way. I love them all in the “I will never sleep again” sort of way.

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‘Twas the Night of Thanksgiving: The Elf Poem

There is a reason all that tryptophan from the Thanksgiving turkey doesn’t make us parents quite as drowsy as everyone else in the house.

We know what’s about to go down. And it is glorious.



Twas the Night of Thanksgiving 2014 ElfShaming  Elf on the Shelf

Ready to start playing with your elves? We’d love to feature them here on ElfShaming! Here’s how to submit your photos.

Need some inspiration? Here are 106 Elf on the Shelf Ideas to get you started.

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