Johnny is a Bad Apple

Johnny is a complicated Elf.

A man of many tastes.

Some Elves quietly relax while in storage, catching up on rest for 11 months before the hectic 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas arrives. Sleeping, reading, rearranging his quarters in a green and red Rubbermaid bin…this is what Johnny should have been up to.

Not this guy. He’s a frisky one.

One may be tempted to cast judgement and say he was probably sewn naughty.

I tend to think that he was walking a righteous path up until his Naming Day. That was was this Nameless Elf was given the same moniker as a man who brought roadkill to his son’s Preschool pick-up, thinking the wee ones would enjoy the sight of flattened critter carcasses.

When someone’s named after the kind of bad-ass who travels with roadkill, you gotta expect him to experiment sexually and mingle with unsavory characters.

It’s like being bad was his destiny, and he’s just living up to the expectations. How can we possibly blame him for that?

Elf submitted by Allison of MotherhoodWTF?
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Topher Takes the Blame

Topher the Elf’s got a sweet tooth.

I guess if you’re gonna steal someone’s ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s is a good place to start.

I can imagine the scene where Husband is rummaging through the freezer for his pint of Americone Dream, casting blame upon his innocent wife as she’s rounding up her overtired offspring before bed, covered in crumbs and sweat. That girl is too busy to be sneaky. Doesn’t her betrothed know this by now?

Also, if Topher the Elf was simply in need of a dairy fix, he could have just checked Stephanie’s underwear drawer in the bedroom. According to her son, that’s where she keeps delicious things, like cheese.

Then again, we wouldn’t want to encourage any kind of theft now, would we…Topher?

Elf submitted by Stephanie of Binkies and Briefcases
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Purvis the Huffing Pervert

“Purvis” the Elf? More like Pervert the Elf.

Don’t think that’s quite the Christmas Magic we’re supposed to be teaching our kids about.

Normally laundry rooms are where the dirty stuff goes to get clean.

Not in this house.

Huffing & hot pink panties have turned this squeaky-clean Elf into a filthy perv with a one-way ticket to Santa’s Dry Cleaning Detention Center. 

You might want to wear rubber gloves when packing him up, my dear. Who knows where his hands have been.

Actually…yeah. We know exactly where they’re been.

Elf submitted by Toulouse and Tonic
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Sporticus Bangs Brobee

Sporticus the Elf should be ashamed of himself.

I’m watching your hands, Mister Sporticus. Very closely.

Last year he was up to no good in Signs Your Elf on the Shelf is on The Naughty List:
– buying Elf Apps without permission
– stealing prescription painkillers & chasing them down with Wild Turkey
– “losing” socks
– masturbating to Elf Porn
– knockin’ boots with Brobee

www.LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com 2011

Let’s hope he can keep his hands off the hooch and his Manhood away from the Yo Gabba Gabba plushies this holiday season.

The freak.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
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