Luke the Elf Just Wants a Moment of Peace

Luke the Elf has been working very hard in the Spidel home.

He doesn’t ask for much. Just for the kids to keeps their hands off him, and maybe a moment of peace?

HAHAHA. Your optimism is adorable, Luke.

So what’s an elf to do when he’s feeling overwhelmed?

Serenity Now Elf on the Shelf by Meredith Spidel for ElfShaming

I’ve heard the phrase “steal a moment” of peace.

I didn’t think Luke would take it literally.

That son of a gun snuck into Meredith’s essential oils stash, stole the doTERRA Serenity Calming Blend, and USED IT ALL UP.

Elf on the Shelf Serenity Now by Meredith Spidel on ElfShaming Meredith Spidel

How is MEREDITH supposed to stay calm now?

For her sake, let’s hope that Luke talks the chubby fella in red into popping a new bottle into her stocking to make up for the thievery, for everyone knows that moms need serenity now way more than elves do during the holiday season.

Elf submitted by The Mom of the Year. Follow Meredith on Twitter!

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I Do Not Think Elves Are Supposed to Do This

There are many things an elf can do in the evenings, such as:

  • Go report the kids’ behavior to Santa
  • Chip in at the toy factory
  • Look for errant pine needles
  • Unplug the exterior Christmas lights
  • Remind the dog he’s being watched, too
  • Do a better job of hiding the gifts in that poorly-tied garbage bag Mom hastily shoved in the closet

What do we see NOT on that list?

i do not think elves are supposed to do this by herd management on elf shaming

How about playing strip poker in Barbie’s Dream House?

Herd-Management ElfShaming Strip Poker

Do these ladies even know that his felty frock doesn’t come off?

SHAME ON YOU, Mr. Elf.

Shame. On. You.

Now get back to work!

Elf submitted by Herd Management. Follow Jessica on Twitter!
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Adventures of Elfie Junkel

Elfie Junkel is quite the overachieving elf.

By that I mean dude is up to no good.

Adventures of Elfie Junkel on elfShaming

He has been caught…

…robbing a piggy bank.

Elf on the Shelf Piggy Bank Heist by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…luging in the living room.

Elf on the Shelf Luge by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…doing science experiments unsupervised. (Does he really think we believe him when he says he’s making snow?)

Elf on the Shelf Science Experiment by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…taking a space mission in the boy’s bedroom to deliver freeze-dried ice cream for breakfast.

Elf on the Shelf Space Mission by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

And that’s only the beginning! This little guy is always up to something.

I don’t know how Ma Junkel hasn’t giving him a stern talking-to yet. Maybe because he’s adorable even while doing slightly criminal activity? Hm. Could be. It is hard to be angry when your elf is feeding your kid sweet space treats.

Want to see more of his antics? Visit his Pinterest board.

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Winter is Coming

Someone has been spending a little too much time streaming old episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ when he should be keeping an eye on the kids.

That wouldn’t be quite so bad (heck, we all love a good binge-watching, right?) if he wasn’t also creating messy landscapes in the kitchen that Ashley has to clean up every day.

GOT Elf by Ashley Fuchs on ElfShaming

Sure, it was just in time for the Winter Solstice–bonus points for good timing–but, still. CUT IT OUT WITH THE FAKE SNOW, ELFY.

Elf submitted by The Malleable Mom. Follow Ashely on Twitter.
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Elizabeth is Just a B*tch

Amy’s adorable 7-year-old daughter was tickled pink when she lost a tooth!

Her loving parents cleaned it up and helped her tuck it under her pillow.  That night she dreamed sweet dreams of a glittering Tooth Fairy plucking the enameled gift and replacing it with cash before flying off to whatever magical place they go to at night.

But things didn’t turn out as expected.

elizabeth is just a btch by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth the Elf knew what was going down–I mean, it is her job, after all–and snuck into the little girl’s bedroom before the last of the fairy dust landed softly on the carpet. Luckily, her task was intercepted by Amy and evidence was taken at the scene:

That Elf is NOT the Tooth Fairy by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth not only stole the little girl’s Tooth Fairy money, she ALSO nabbed her favorite purple marker to write a note that simply stated, “I’ll take that.”

WHO DOES THIS?

A total bitch. That’s who does it.

Shame on you, Elizabeth. Shame. On. You.

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He Knows Too Much

I have a naughty little elf of another sort visiting me today, while I round up the tiny felty ones who seem to have scattered around here…somewhere. Enjoy!


He Knows too Much by Peyton Price on ElfShaming

by Peyton Price

I’m pretty much shameless about Christmas. I put lights on all four sides of the house the day after Thanksgiving and set a timer to keep them on from 4:30 pm to 11:30 pm every night. I march my family back and forth across acres of trees to find the perfect 12-footer, then cover it with so many decorations you’d never even know it was a real tree. I send paper cards with real handwriting on the card and the envelope. I’m a regular Cindy Lou Who.

So, it might surprise you to hear there are some Christmas moments I’m not proud of. Ones I want to deny ever happened. The trouble is, there’s a witness to these events. A tiny witness who knows too much. He knows about me:

  • Screaming at the kids to “Stay out of the @#$%^& Christmas cookies, for %^&* sake!”
  • Fast forwarding through those two weird songs in the middle of White Christmas.
  • Wrapping up a pair of vases because I broke the third one and don’t have time for this shizz.
  • Hanging my husband’s favorite ornament on the back of the tree, at shin level.
  • Doing what I did to that box of Godiva chocolates, aka seven minutes in heaven.
  • Saying “WHOA” at photo card pubescents.
  • Plucking a dog hair out of the cookie dough.
  • Uttering all seven dirty words that year I bought the cheapo foil wrapping paper.
  • Telling the postal worker there were no liquids in that package of maple syrup.
  • Making everyone wait to open presents until my face is mattified.

Now that I see this naughty list, I realize I can’t take the risk he’ll rat me out to the big man. So I guess this means it’s Christmas curtains for you-know-who. Mum’s the word.


Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her spreading good cheer (or in the closet weeping) and at suburbanhaiku.com.

Her little hardcover book makes the perfect holiday or hostess gift for everyone on your list. See my review of it on Amazon, or click on the image below to learn more:

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A Coin Toss Frosty Will Never Forget

Have you ever been in a situation that seemed normal at first, but then something in the frostiest recesses of your snowy gut made you realized that this elf might just have a flame thrower or the like he would use on you if the mood struck?

Elf on the Shelf No Country for Old Men Coin Toss Scene on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

I’m guessing our little snowman here feels the same way right about now.

Does this elf remind you a little too much of Anton from No Country for Old Men, or is it just me? The bowl-like haircut, creepy stare, overly-calm demeanor? GET ME OUTTA HERE.

He’s not the only one that’s taking on Anton’s creeptastic behavior. Check out Amy Kalasunas’ story:

Sure, the off season is hard for every elf. Staying out of sight in the sock drawer isn’t much of a life, and even with lightning-fast internet connections, monotony can take its toll. With only Netflix to entertain her, Gertie’s fragile grip on sanity starts to weaken, and the month of June finds her watching only one blood-soaked movie over and over and over…No Country for Old Men.

Spending her days rocking silently back and forth, Gertie clutches her limp legs to her chest, wondering how long she can ignore the voice under her red cap…. ” THE PIG MUST DIE….. THE PIG MUST DIE…..” Clamping thumbless mittens over her ears does no good – the chanting just gets louder…more insistent…

On a blustery November day, the scent of baking turkey finally wafts to the sock drawer. With a rasping creak of cotton, Gertie slowly climbs to her feet, clear with the notion of what she must do.

CRACK!

The time has come. The pig must die.

Amy Kalasunas on ElfShaming No Country for Old Men

No country for old guinea pigs, either, I guess.

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The Number One Elf on the Shelf Tip of Them All

Managing your Elf on the Shelf every winter can be a hassle.

The logistics take time and brain power many of us parents simply don’t have during the hectic holiday season. Facebook feeds are FULL of laments about this responsibility–especially about forgetting to move the elf.

This is why I’m about to hand you an Elf on the Shelf tip that will save your sanity.

Top Elf on the Shelf Tip by ElfShaming

Your mind is about to be blown, and your thumbs are about to take action.

Are you ready?

THIS is what you need in you life:

Elf on the Shelf Reminders by ElfShaming

 

Set up those three reminders every day–use code words if your little ones use your phone on the regular–then sit back, relax, and don’t worry about a thing until it’s time to box that felty bastard back up again on Christmas Eve.

Fall asleep early? Not a problem! Your morning alarm will wake you in time to dash downstairs and make the magic happen before your kids get up and start their daily search.

Need some ideas for what to do with them every night? Check out these 106 ideas.

You’re welcome.

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Revenge is a Dish Served Cold Turkey

Thanksgiving was last week. Wasn’t it delicious?

I thought so!

But Elizabeth wouldn’t know.

Because Elizabeth wasn’t invited to the family feast in her home.

How well did she take the snub?

Thanksgiving Revenge on ElfShaming by Amy Mayo

Um.

Errr.

You could say “not well.”

Thanksgiving Revenge by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Note to self: do not piss off Elizabeth the Elf.

If you do so, she will quietly rip the heads off all the turkeys in the house and litter your kitchen with feathers of revenge.

It. Ain’t. Pretty.

See you next Thanksgiving, Elizabeth!

I PINKY PROMISE YOU WILL BE INVITED.

(Because you are one creepy little f*cker.)

Elf submitted by Amy Effing Mayo.
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There is a BIG Difference

Acronyms confuse people.

I admit that I Googled “NSFW” the first time I saw it, and sometimes need to refer to a cheat sheet to understand what people are saying on The Twitter.

But when it comes to MILF vs MELF? I’m not sure how people can not know that these are two VERY different things.

MELF on the shelf vs MILF on the shelf on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

First, the MILF on the Shelf. Usually not an actual elf, often seen in last night’s party dress, or a push-up bra before 3pm. Known to most who see her as a “Mom I’d Like to F…” well, you know how that goes. Almost always wearing mascara. And if she ended up on the shelf? She should probably be ashamed of herself for whatever she did that landed her there.

By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.
By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.

On the other hand, we have MELF on the Shelf. Usually discovered in the wee hours of the morning, often seen in last night’s pajamas climbing up onto shelves to put the real Elf on the Shelf in a new spot where the kids can’t reach it. Known to Santa as a “Mom Elf” for doing so much watching of the kids before Christmas. Almost always clutching a cup of coffee. And when you find her on a shelf? You should probably help her down, or at least distract the kids before they catch her moving that damn elf at the last minute again.

MELF on the Shelf by Kim Bongiorno on ElfShaming with ElfOnTheShelf

Sure, I guess a MILF can technically be a MELF–but I bet they don’t look very MILF-like while MELFing.

And I’m pretty sure there are both DILFs and DELFs out there, too. Now that I’d like to see.

While I ponder all this, please take a moment to enjoy some other elftasticness on web, courtesy of NickMom, such as:

The Elf Creepiness Chart – Who’s worse: Clay Aiken or Hermey?

The 6 Weirdest Locations for the Elf on the Shelf – Really? An OVEN??

The Elf on the Shelf 2013 Pop Culture Edition – LOLOLOL

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