Revenge is a Dish Served Cold Turkey

Thanksgiving was last week. Wasn’t it delicious?

I thought so!

But Elizabeth wouldn’t know.

Because Elizabeth wasn’t invited to the family feast in her home.

How well did she take the snub?

Thanksgiving Revenge on ElfShaming by Amy Mayo

Um.

Errr.

You could say “not well.”

Thanksgiving Revenge by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Note to self: do not piss off Elizabeth the Elf.

If you do so, she will quietly rip the heads off all the turkeys in the house and litter your kitchen with feathers of revenge.

It. Ain’t. Pretty.

See you next Thanksgiving, Elizabeth!

I PINKY PROMISE YOU WILL BE INVITED.

(Because you are one creepy little f*cker.)

Elf submitted by Amy Effing Mayo.
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Why You Should Not Upset Your Elf

As much as you might resent having to remember every night to move your elf.

As tempting as it is to talk trash about your elf with friends.

As delicious it would taste to chuck that thing in the bin while enjoying a nice glass of chianti.

Please be careful not to piss it off too much.

Elf on the Shelf The Godfather on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

These things are serious when it comes to sending a message.

Heck, it doesn’t even matter who did the pissing-off. Elves aren’t above using their own kind to make a point.

Elf on the Shelf The Godfather Horse Head Scene on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

Trust me: this is not something you want to wake up to.

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‘Twas the Night of Thanksgiving: The Elf Poem

There is a reason all that tryptophan from the Thanksgiving turkey doesn’t make us parents quite as drowsy as everyone else in the house.

We know what’s about to go down. And it is glorious.



Twas the Night of Thanksgiving 2014 ElfShaming  Elf on the Shelf

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106 Elf on the Shelf Ideas

From a little silly to downright naughty, here are 106 Elf on the Shelf idea prompts to get your creative juices flowing. Whether your Elf on the Shelf is pulling a prank on your kids or you want to share some adults-only antics with your friends, there’s something here for everyone. Have fun!



106 Elf on the Shelf Ideas by ElfShaming

  1. Playing board games
  2. Playing card games
  3. Playing reindeer games
  4. Playing with knives
  5. Playing hard to get
  6. Hanging out
  7. Hanging up
  8. Leaving notes
  9. Leaving poop
  10. Leaving a mess
  11. Leaving Santa
  12. Cute
  13. Kissy
  14. Kinky
  15. Sneaky
  16. Sexy
  17. Sewing
  18. Singing
  19. Inappropriate use of marshmallows
  20. Inappropriate use of scissors
  21. Inappropriate use of markers
  22. Inappropriate use of tape
  23. Inappropriate use of a gingerbread house
  24. Inappropriate use of a candy cane
  25. Inappropriate use of Christmas lights
  26. Inappropriate use of cleavage
  27. Inappropriate use of a smartphone
  28. Running
  29. Rowing
  30. Looking
  31. Listening
  32. Thinking
  33. Throwing
  34. Up high
  35. Down low
  36. Should he be drinking that?
  37. Should he be eating that?
  38. Should he be reading that?
  39. Should she be watching that?
  40. Should she be buying that?
  41. The big 7: lust, envy, gluttony, greed, pride, sloth, wrath
  42. Lies
  43. Confessions
  44. Persuasion
  45. Excuses
  46. Blackmail
  47. Bribes
  48. Revenge
  49. Regrets
  50. Road trip
  51. Sexual relations with himself
  52. Sexual relations that are logistically tricky
  53. Sexual relations with multiple partners
  54. Exhausted
  55. Obsessed
  56. Forgetful
  57. Stealing food
  58. Stealing jewelry
  59. Stealing hearts
  60. Poor life choices
  61. Retelling an urban legend
  62. Retelling a children’s book
  63. Retelling the story of your favorite TV characters
  64. Retelling the story of his rap sheet
  65. Retelling the story of his sordid past
  66. Retelling favorite song lyrics
  67. His relationship with the dog
  68. His relationship with the internet
  69. His relationship with the kids in the house
  70. The truth behind the smile
  71. The truth about her last Girls Night Out
  72. The truth about how she interacts with the toys of the house
  73. What he cooks
  74. What she cleans
  75. What he bakes
  76. What she hides
  77. What he reads
  78. What she writes
  79. How she spent her time at the store
  80. How he spent his time in the attic
  81. How she spent her last dollar
  82. How he spent his Spring Break
  83. How she got away with murder
  84. How she ruined the party
  85. How she got an injury
  86. How she spends her days
  87. How she spends her nights
  88. In the kitchen
  89. In the bedroom
  90. In the bathroom
  91. In the basement
  92. In the living room
  93. In the closet
  94. In the yard
  95. Getting creative with chocolate
  96. Getting creative with stickers
  97. Getting creative with cotton
  98. Getting creative with frosting
  99. Getting creative with chalk
  100. Getting creative with cameras
  101. Getting creative with LEGO
  102. Getting creative with zip lines
  103. Favorite outfit
  104. Favorite craft
  105. Favorite prank
  106. Favorite hiding spot

Ready to start playing with your elves? We’d love to feature them here on ElfShaming. Here’s how to submit your photos

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Chucky’s Favorite Things

Chucky the Elf likes lots of things.

Some of the things he likes are a little rebellious.

Ohhhh….Chucky….

Others result in a behavior that is a bit more depraved.

Thank goodness he’s in a one-piece suit that zips in the back.

Having a seasonal preference isn’t something to be that ashamed of, but springing fresh wood each time an innocent mom strolls by definitely is. 

Let’s hope Chucky is able to keep his love at a distance this holiday season.

And by “love” I mean “rock hard elfish wiener”.

Elf submitted by Anna of MyLifeAndKids.com
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Witness Protection Program for Elves

[Name Witheld] Has Some ‘Splaining to Do.

“I’ve done so many shameful things, I’ve had plastic surgery and entered the Witness Protection Program to hide from my shame.”

When I receive a photo of an Elf who has had to go so far underground that I’m not even allowed to know his (her?) name, I shudder to think about what he’s (she’s?) done.

Usually when people try to start anew, they dye their hair and get a nose job. This fella (lady??) seems to have completely changed species. That can’t be good.

Not only is it not good, I can’t even tell what this critter is supposed to be now. A Wookie of the North Pole? A Scottish Moose? Bullwinkle’s Excessively Hirsute Cousin?

Let’s agree that sometimes it’s better not to know the finer details of what an Elf is ashamed of doing, then move quickly away, to avoid being associated with such an unscrupulous character. 

Elf submitted by The Suniverse
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Elfy Kept His Eyes Open

Elfy couldn’t help himself.

Eyes. Wide. OPEN.

Happy little Elfy was perched on JD’s bedroom dresser so she wouldn’t forget to get him ready for the holidays.

But she did forget.

Then she got busy. Busy busy, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Being that Elfy’s eyes are permanently fixed wide, wide open, he couldn’t help but witness a bit of human carnal action right there in front of him. He had no choice!

As for the thrilled grin on his face? That’s alllllll Elfy. Naughty boy.

Elf submitted by JD of Honest Mom
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An Unreliable Elf

Shhhhhhhhh…..

Tsk tsk tsk…

If you are an Elf assigned to the Naps Happen household, you can’t help but assume you’ve got one sweet gig.

All the kids there do is nap, right?

Wrong.

Sure, they needed a quick snooze after trying desperately to decide a name for the Elf. The kids managed to squeeze out a few gems, such as “Elf” and “Gingerbread Elf” before going with “He Who Should Not Be Named” and crawling into a headstand for some slumber.

When He Who Should Not Be Named witnessed the dozing duo that first day, he figured he could do pretty much whatever he wanted. He nipped a bit of egg nog, watched some HGTV, and turned his back on the angelic boys for a nap of his own. 

Pretty soon, the golden-haired cherubs were wide awake, tossing Legos like confetti, painting the walls with Nutella, and rearranging furniture while He Who Should Not Be named missed each opportunity for accuracy in his report to Santa. Elfy reinforcements had to be called in, spilling magic dust all over an already messy living room.

Looks like someone is at risk of getting his first pink slip, and it isn’t even December yet!

Elf submitted by Alicia of Naps Happen
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Johnny is a Bad Apple

Johnny is a complicated Elf.

A man of many tastes.

Some Elves quietly relax while in storage, catching up on rest for 11 months before the hectic 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas arrives. Sleeping, reading, rearranging his quarters in a green and red Rubbermaid bin…this is what Johnny should have been up to.

Not this guy. He’s a frisky one.

One may be tempted to cast judgement and say he was probably sewn naughty.

I tend to think that he was walking a righteous path up until his Naming Day. That was was this Nameless Elf was given the same moniker as a man who brought roadkill to his son’s Preschool pick-up, thinking the wee ones would enjoy the sight of flattened critter carcasses.

When someone’s named after the kind of bad-ass who travels with roadkill, you gotta expect him to experiment sexually and mingle with unsavory characters.

It’s like being bad was his destiny, and he’s just living up to the expectations. How can we possibly blame him for that?

Elf submitted by Allison of MotherhoodWTF?
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Topher Takes the Blame

Topher the Elf’s got a sweet tooth.

I guess if you’re gonna steal someone’s ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s is a good place to start.

I can imagine the scene where Husband is rummaging through the freezer for his pint of Americone Dream, casting blame upon his innocent wife as she’s rounding up her overtired offspring before bed, covered in crumbs and sweat. That girl is too busy to be sneaky. Doesn’t her betrothed know this by now?

Also, if Topher the Elf was simply in need of a dairy fix, he could have just checked Stephanie’s underwear drawer in the bedroom. According to her son, that’s where she keeps delicious things, like cheese.

Then again, we wouldn’t want to encourage any kind of theft now, would we…Topher?

Elf submitted by Stephanie of Binkies and Briefcases
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