Witness Protection Program for Elves

[Name Witheld] Has Some ‘Splaining to Do.

“I’ve done so many shameful things, I’ve had plastic surgery and entered the Witness Protection Program to hide from my shame.”

When I receive a photo of an Elf who has had to go so far underground that I’m not even allowed to know his (her?) name, I shudder to think about what he’s (she’s?) done.

Usually when people try to start anew, they dye their hair and get a nose job. This fella (lady??) seems to have completely changed species. That can’t be good.

Not only is it not good, I can’t even tell what this critter is supposed to be now. A Wookie of the North Pole? A Scottish Moose? Bullwinkle’s Excessively Hirsute Cousin?

Let’s agree that sometimes it’s better not to know the finer details of what an Elf is ashamed of doing, then move quickly away, to avoid being associated with such an unscrupulous character. 

Elf submitted by The Suniverse
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Elfy Kept His Eyes Open

Elfy couldn’t help himself.

Eyes. Wide. OPEN.

Happy little Elfy was perched on JD’s bedroom dresser so she wouldn’t forget to get him ready for the holidays.

But she did forget.

Then she got busy. Busy busy, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Being that Elfy’s eyes are permanently fixed wide, wide open, he couldn’t help but witness a bit of human carnal action right there in front of him. He had no choice!

As for the thrilled grin on his face? That’s alllllll Elfy. Naughty boy.

Elf submitted by JD of Honest Mom
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An Unreliable Elf

Shhhhhhhhh…..

Tsk tsk tsk…

If you are an Elf assigned to the Naps Happen household, you can’t help but assume you’ve got one sweet gig.

All the kids there do is nap, right?

Wrong.

Sure, they needed a quick snooze after trying desperately to decide a name for the Elf. The kids managed to squeeze out a few gems, such as “Elf” and “Gingerbread Elf” before going with “He Who Should Not Be Named” and crawling into a headstand for some slumber.

When He Who Should Not Be Named witnessed the dozing duo that first day, he figured he could do pretty much whatever he wanted. He nipped a bit of egg nog, watched some HGTV, and turned his back on the angelic boys for a nap of his own. 

Pretty soon, the golden-haired cherubs were wide awake, tossing Legos like confetti, painting the walls with Nutella, and rearranging furniture while He Who Should Not Be named missed each opportunity for accuracy in his report to Santa. Elfy reinforcements had to be called in, spilling magic dust all over an already messy living room.

Looks like someone is at risk of getting his first pink slip, and it isn’t even December yet!

Elf submitted by Alicia of Naps Happen
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Johnny is a Bad Apple

Johnny is a complicated Elf.

A man of many tastes.

Some Elves quietly relax while in storage, catching up on rest for 11 months before the hectic 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas arrives. Sleeping, reading, rearranging his quarters in a green and red Rubbermaid bin…this is what Johnny should have been up to.

Not this guy. He’s a frisky one.

One may be tempted to cast judgement and say he was probably sewn naughty.

I tend to think that he was walking a righteous path up until his Naming Day. That was was this Nameless Elf was given the same moniker as a man who brought roadkill to his son’s Preschool pick-up, thinking the wee ones would enjoy the sight of flattened critter carcasses.

When someone’s named after the kind of bad-ass who travels with roadkill, you gotta expect him to experiment sexually and mingle with unsavory characters.

It’s like being bad was his destiny, and he’s just living up to the expectations. How can we possibly blame him for that?

Elf submitted by Allison of MotherhoodWTF?
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Topher Takes the Blame

Topher the Elf’s got a sweet tooth.

I guess if you’re gonna steal someone’s ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s is a good place to start.

I can imagine the scene where Husband is rummaging through the freezer for his pint of Americone Dream, casting blame upon his innocent wife as she’s rounding up her overtired offspring before bed, covered in crumbs and sweat. That girl is too busy to be sneaky. Doesn’t her betrothed know this by now?

Also, if Topher the Elf was simply in need of a dairy fix, he could have just checked Stephanie’s underwear drawer in the bedroom. According to her son, that’s where she keeps delicious things, like cheese.

Then again, we wouldn’t want to encourage any kind of theft now, would we…Topher?

Elf submitted by Stephanie of Binkies and Briefcases
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