7 Deadly Elf Sins: Lust

The 6yo gave Sporticus the Elf a cute teeny teddy bear.

Sure, it was a bribe because she had behaved in a way that she knew Santa wouldn’t quite approve of. But – other than that – it was an innocent enough gift.

The innocence didn’t last long.

Not long at all.

ElfShaming 7 Deadly Elf Sins Lust

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These Elves Made the Most of Their Last Weekend of Freedom

They knew the end was near.

The Elf End is Near on @ElfShaming

And we’re not talking about the Mayan End-of-the-World thing.

The elves knew that this was the last weekend before Christmas. So they did what they do best.

GOT COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Wayne & Billy went to a cabin in Big Bear with their cousins, partying hard with Barbie and one of those whorish Monster High Dolls.

Elves submitted by Val Perez.
Elves submitted by Val Perez.

But he wasn’t the only one into drugs and booze…

Elf submitted by Melinda F.
Elf submitted by Melinda F.

Blink the Elf surrounded himself with all the Holiday Ladies of the house, talking them into a one-man “celebration.”

Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.
Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.

Henry refused to leave the bar even ONCE to check on the kids.

Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.
Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.

Bob tried to get himself kicked out of the North Pole.

Elf submitted by Jodi.
Elf submitted by Jodi via Facebook.

This guy became a Chippendales dancer.

Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.
Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.

Some cracked open their owners’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and put it to the test.

Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.

 There’s many, many, MANNNNNNY more where that came from. 

But at this point? I’m getting downright disgusted at all this debauchery.

Damn elves.

Elf submitted via email & Facebook.
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Three Strikes & You’re Out, Scout!

Scout doesn’t follow the rules. 

Elf Arrested on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no writing on the walls.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Graffiti on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no stealing nail polish, and definitely no painting people’s toenails as they slept. Especially boys.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Pedicure on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

When he was told no ice sculptures in the freezer, he didn’t listen, and so qualified for the Three Strikes Rule. Which, of course, landed him in lock-up.

Elf MugShot on @ElfShaming by RachelB

I doubt Santa will send Scout out again next year, considering he now has a rap sheet.

Way to ruin a perfectly good Elfing career, Scout.

Elf submitted by Rachel B of Roscoe, IL.
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This Elf on the Shelf is Annoying

Skippy’s smile doesn’t hide a damn thing.

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming #elfontheshelf

Mary Ann’s Elf on the Shelf, Skippy, is annoying. Plain and simple.

Does he encourage the kids to clean up? Not at all. In fact, he encourages them to throw expensive 2-ply TP all over the house!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Toilet Paper

Does he help with the decorating? Not a chance. He’s too busy hiding the stockings and replacing them with underpants to assist in hanging the lights on the tree!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Skippy Underwear

Is he a good role model? Are you kiddin’ me? He doesn’t exercise, he eats marshmallow kebabs for breakfast!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming marshmallows

Does he make her morning easier? No way, no how, no sir. Unless you think packing the kids’ lunch boxes with dog food, raw unwashed potatos, and jars of coriander trims tasks off Mary Ann’s To Do List!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming

At least Skippy’s visit will be over soon. Just not soon enough. 

Elf submitted by Mary Ann of TurboKickNJ.com.
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Hermie & the Ariel Twins

Hermie thought he was the luckiest Elf in the world.

Twins!

He talked Ariel and Ariel into meeting him in the tub, slipped between them, and gave the girls his signature suggestive-eyebrow-wiggle.

ChristyP on @ElfShaming #ElfOnTheShelf

Hermie: So…what do you say I turn off the jacuzzi and let you ladies have your way with me?

Ariel One: This isn’t a jacuzzi. We had huge black bean & onion burritos for dinner.

Ariel Two: PBBBBBLLT!!! ‘Scuse me, I tooted. Again. Tee hee hee! Bubbles!

Moment? OVER. 

And that’s what you get when you try to trick a pair of innocent princesses into some naughty shenanigans, Mister Hermie. That’s. What. You. Get.

Elf submitted by Christy P.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf’s Name Tells All

Jumbo hates to waste his gift.

I mean, his name IS “Jumbo.” Soooo….I guess it would be unfortunate if he kept his finest quality to himself.

It’s just that, well, his host mom, Shawn, isn’t a big fan of walking in on his gift in action.

Long, strong, flexible, AND hung like a reindeer: Impressive.

Yet…

Constantly persuading the nutcrackers to service him: Shameful.

(Errr…I think…?) 

Elf submitted by Shawn of Shawnisms.
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This Elf on the Shelf is For Sale

I have nothing against transvestites, cross-dressers, or anything of the sort.

What I do have a problem with – and Ladies, I’m guessing you’re with me on this one – is when a fella like Teddy looks better than I do while cross dressing.

I mean, I’m a woman and I don’t look half as believable as he does in that make-up.

And look at those gams! He makes those knee-high boots his bitch.

As well as Woody.

What should he be ashamed of, you ask?

The illegal prostitution, for one, and tricking his filthy clients into believing he doesn’t have a twig and berries beneath that party dress until it’s too late.

And I’m not just saying that because he’s got a better figure than me.

I’m not jealous at all.

Nope. Not at all. 

Elf submitted by Leigh of Me & Meg.
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Drop Dead Fred Makes a Citizen’s Arrest

Defending Santa’s honor is not a bad thing.

Getting blood on your hands is.

Every shopping mall in America has a “Santa” in December, ready to listen to kids tell him their Wish Lists and hand out lollipops.

Drop Dead Fred the Elf doesn’t have a problem with this.

He has a problem with people puppets anyone else imitating The Man With the Bag. If there’s no line of kids or gifts to hand out, he gets very suspicous of the impersonator’s intentions.

He gets very defensive.

He gets very violent.

Just ask Animal, who thought it’d be a hoot to don a festive beard and cap. 

 Uh….nevermind. Unless you have the ability to talk to the dead, that is.

I have a feeling Santa will not be as pleased with Drop Dead Fred’s Citizen’s Arrest as DDF thinks he’ll be. I mean…it’s not exactly an “arrest” when you stab a Muppet to death just for dressing like Mr. Claus. 

This is one Elf who deserves to be on The Naughty List. And in prison.

Elf submitted by Dawn I. Follow her on Instagram.
No Muppets were actually murdered in the making of this post. I hope.
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The “Not Me!” Mystery? SOLVED.

Strange things were happening at Kathy’s house.

She’d look to her four sons and ask them who left the lights on again, who made the mess, who ate the snacks, who broke another ornament.

Each time they’d all answer “Not me!”

This scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it?

Recently, Elfie Oodle had arrived at her home, and she’d ask him whether he knew anything about the trouble going on. His sweet smile made her think he was an innocent bystander with no details to give.

Then she got wise to his ways.

She figured out who had the magic to fly up to those lights.

She heard fingerless hands digging when the boys were asleep.

She saw tiny yogurt footprints on the kitchen counter.

She knew her boys wouldn’t dare go near her vintage ornaments. 

The only thing she has left to figure out, is whether Elfie Oodle was the one causing the “Not me!” Trouble all these years, or if he can only be blamed for the recent rash of messes and mayhem.

I suspect kids across the globe are waiting with bated breath, hoping Elfie Oodle gets all the blame… 

Elf submitted by Kathy at Kissing the Frog.
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Rambo Gets His Way

Rambo needs to learn that No Means No

Sweet, fluffy, reliable George was just laying around, minding his own business.

Then Rambo the Elf popped by out of nowhere.

Hey George. What’s up?

George smelled trouble, and tried to ignore him.

Rambo wouldn’t stand for The Cold Shoulder. He came a little closer. 

 Hey Handsome. Doggy want a bone?

George stood strong as long as he could. Then Rambo broke out the Big Guns:

How about a some bacon and a tummy rub? 

Now THAT was an offer Man’s Best Friend can’t refuse.

Rambo even hand-fed the persuaded pooch bits of crispy bacon, rendering him up for anything.

Who’s a good booooooy???

It didn’t take long before Rambo was taking full advantage of the situation, spooning that cute canine well into the night.

 Just don’t tell the cat, okay?

Elf submitted by Kerry of HouseTalkN.com
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