Gertie the Elf Lowers Her Standards

Gertie is a weak Elf on the Shelf.

A well-meaning aunt brought Gertie the Elf to the Kalasunas home, thinking she would incite innocent joy to the hearts of everyone there.

Little did she know, that home was teeming with the heat of Finney the Evilly Seductive Guinea Pig. 

Santa’s orders were for Gertie to spread holiday magic.

That’s not exactly what she spread.

Mama Kalasunas heard the tell-tale 70s porno music and knew there was trouble. She searched everywhere for Gertie, but it was too late.

Finney liked it so he put his little pig in it.

Then Gertie tossed her hair like Beyonce and went back for more the next night. And the night after that. Then the night after that.

Oh, Gertie. We expected so much more out of you then to become some furry fiend’s booty call. Santa is not going to be happy when he hears about this.

Elf submitted by Amy Kalasunas, via Facebook. 
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Repositioning the Elves

Some Elves shouldn’t be left home alone.

Also? Some Elf Owners shouldn’t be left home alone.

Instead of finishing all those home projects that have been lingering for ages, updating his will, or researching new manscaping devices, Midget Man of Steel got busy reading…

…the Kama Sutra sex position manual.

Then got busy finding his camera.

And gathering up his Elf on the Shelf buddies.

Sure, MidgetManofSteel should be ashamed of his perverse puppetry, but the elves were more than happy to go along with this little game. There was no will to bend, no persuading to do.

The Elves were very excited participants in this sick game of Show & Tell.

Very, very excited participants, the kinky bastards.

Which is why the Shelf Elf Kama Sutra post exists. Go ahead, take a look (if you’re over 18 years old, and a sick freak who likes Elves bending for pleasure).

Just know that if you enjoy it? You should be ashamed, too.

Elf submitted by Midget Man of Steel
Follow MMoS as @moooooog35 on Twitter.
He has a book coming out in January. It’s going to be very funny. For real.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Natalie & Sneaky: Two Peas in a Pod

Don’t they look just so CUTE together?

Don’t be fooled. 

Natalie has been known to come down with a little Beiber Fever.

Also? Sneaky has a gun. AND HIS NAME IS “SNEAKY.”

An innocent smile often hides unspeakable deeds. Multiply that times two, throw in a gun-wielding fella and his swinging lady friend, and who knows what they’re up to after dark?

I sure as heck don’t want to hear about it. I’d like to keep my innocence.

Elf submitted by Maria Cal, @RiaCal on Twitter
Follow Maria on Instagram.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

That’s NOT the Bathroom

I’m feeling a bit queasy this morning.

All I wanted was my usual bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast. 

I sleepily stumbled into the kitchen, swung open the cabinet and found Sporticus the Elf reading the paper and using my box of cereal for…. *barfs in mouth*

Was I chewing Raisins or Elf Poo all week? I’ll never know.

What I do know, is that the child locks have been reinstalled on all cabinets, and I no longer eat my favorite kind of cereal.

Breakfast? Ruined.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
Follow Kim on Facebook, TwitterPinterest & Google+.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

One Elf’s Hard Times

Ohhhh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…

At least you know when you’ve done wrong.

 

His story is a sad one that has the feel of a Charles Dickens tale mixed with grain alcohol and lace panties.

Johnny hated his job. He was caught under the influence one too many times. He fell on hard times, which did nothing to curtail his drinking. 

He did some things he shouldn’t have.

He got caught. There was a BIG scene. His wife found out.

Barbie tossed his ass out of the Dream House. His clothes, his fancy hats, his pride…everything was scattered on the front lawn.

He drank more. He wore her clothes, which he stole from the house when she was out grocery shopping one afternoon. He rarely showed up for work.

Johnny’s days were spent drinking. His nights were spent puking.
This was not the life Santa had hoped for him.

One morning he woke up in Barbie’s satin spangled house frock, reeking of rum and regret, and realized that it was up to him to make his life worth living again. It didn’t take magic to make him a Good Elf, it took courage.

He threw out all the spiked eggnog he had left in his rental apartment, and headed back home to his love, ready to reenact her favorite John Cusak movie scene in an attempt to win her back.

 Will Johnny keep up the cleaned-up act? Will Barbie forgive his drunken, philandering ways? 

Only time will tell. 

Elf submitted by Kate Horey of ThePushUpBlog

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Start Your Inappropriateness on Baby Rabies

For an Elf to be shamed, he has to get up to some sort of trouble…right?

Well, my friends, the trouble is about to begin.

Grab your Elf on the Shelf, Troll with a Santa Hat On, “Elf”, Hanukkah Helper, Red-Loving Ken doll or whathaveyou and head on over to Baby Rabies’ 2012 Inappropriate Elf Contest!

From the BabyRabies.com 2012 Inappropriate Elf Contest Announcement post, used with permission. Because *I’M* not the one being inappropriate, here.

Last Year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest made me do the Oh My God That Elf is Doing…WHAT, Exactly?? laugh, and I can’t wait to see what all you crazies creative folks come up with this time around.

The contest is kicking off soon, so get on over to Baby Rabies to see the rules, AWESOME prizes, and get in on all the inappropriate fun. We’ll see you there!