Have you ordered an Elf today?
Nicole Leigh Shaw had a wonderful time building a gingerbread house town with her four young kids.
They ate gumdrops!
Almost no one got a Time Out for hitting!
To celebrate their masterpiece, Nicole took the family out for hot cocoa. Mmm….cocoa…They entrusted their confection concoction to be watched by their trusty elf, Blinky.
Uh-oh. Blinky looks a bit peckish.
Unfortunately, Blinky has no opposable thumbs with which to open the snack cabinet.
And he was hungry.
By the time Nicole and her brood made it back, the damage was done.
He didn’t just eat a gingerbread house, he ate an entire town.
Blinky’s sugar high was too intense to allow him to apologize. He just sat there atop masticated rooftops and the leftover crumbs of window panes with a glazed look in his eyes and a full belly.
Maybe tomorrow when he poops out all the holiday spirit, he’ll realize the terrible thing he’s done.
Then again? Maybe not.
Elf submitted by writer/blogger extraordinaire, Nicole Leigh Shaw.
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Have an elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.
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Wendy is very, very busy.
She has a family, responsibilities – she’s even a food blogger! It’s not like the woman can always keep her eye on her elf!
But ohhh what an elf she has.
On Thanksgiving morning as Wendy unwrapped the turkey to begin preparations for a festive feast, guess who arrived in Bad Elf fashion?
Before the kids could see anything, Wendy yanked Elfie out of his hidey-hole and begged him to be better behaved. He’s supposed to be setting a good example for the children, right?
Yet as soon as she turned her back on him, he was dipping into the booze and rubbers…as well as the Barbies.
One can understand the little fella getting lonely after 11 months away in the
clink North Pole, so Wendy tried to forgive his sexual antics. She gave him another chance.
And guess what he did with that chance?
Yep, Scarface Elfie was caught snorting coke with a couple of princesses, a tea kettle, a snuggly critter on Ecstasy, and a very, very paranoid Smurf.
At this point you just gotta roll with the punches, and hope next year you get a better-behaved elf.
Good luck, Wendy. I think you’re gonna need it.
It was a bright, bustling place of laughter and light. The townsfolk enjoyed meeting to exchange pleasantries over tea, or arranging social engagements such as festive dances. It wasn’t uncommon to see gentlemen riding elegant horses with long manes adorned with bows and simple jewels, waving to neighbors and shopkeepers along the route.
Each Christmas season the street lamps would be decorated with boughs of holly, and a knock on your door would reveal rosy-cheeked carolers, whose voices could lift your spirits higher than the tallest birch tree in the forest.
Then Becky the Elf arrived.
Sure, she seemed perfectly fine, but there was something about her eyes that made the townsfolk leery.
Being the polite society that it was, no one openly accused Becky the Elf of anything, and she was welcomed to the dances, dinners, and social engagements just like everyone else.
Then, one night, Becky disappeared from the Sleepy Hollow Annual Winter Ball. She had been looking out the window as the men began arriving, and then she was gone.
Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream echoed through the night, raising goosebumps on the merry flesh of everyone in town, chilling them to the bone. The thumping of hooves soon followed, revealing a headless horseman to the townspeople who fled for their homes.
From that night on a curfew was put in place, for every evening as the moon rose so did the headless horseman. He rode the empty streets in search of the one thing he wanted back more than anything: HIS HEAD. There were no more dinners, no more dances, no more boughs of holly, for everyone feared the wrath of what now haunted the town of Sleepy Hollow.
Man, that Becky. I mean, really…cursing an entire town?
What a bitch. Santa must have been pissed.
Alf the Elf is a good Elf during his days at the Hatton House. He does his elfy duties with nary a smirk.
But when the sun sets and After Hours Alf comes alive…it’s a whole different story.
Once the adults of the house are asleep, Alf gets his groove on with Angel the Tree Topper.
Sure, she exudes innocence with her golden locks and blushing countenance – but don’t let that fool you. She dominates their relationship, forcing her filthy ways on the impressionable Alf. He feels dirty obeying her commands, but he likes it. He likes it A LOT.
Alf’s excuse is that their complicated relationship only lasts one month a year, so, really, how can it possibly hurt to embrace the kink while he can?
It seems the Canadians can’t get their elves to behave, either.
I recently received the following letter from an ElfShaming fan:
After gambling and pole dancing – she even pretended to be Miley Cyrus on the wrecking ball – Shirley the Elf has reached a new low. I found her stretched out among the empty wine bottles with a mysterious white powder on her nose – along with a note from Rob Ford, the illustrious Mayor of Toronto.
I have done the responsible thing and sent her to rehab before Santa needs her to report to duty.
Please pray for me. She’s a bad, bad elf.
I have a feeling the mayor’s “maybe once” stance on crack may apply to Elves, as well.
Many elves misbehaved last year.
(Many, MANY elves.)
Lots of you hoped your naughty elves learned their lessons, and gave them a second chance to make better decisions this time around.
Her elf Gertie had an innocent face she whole-heartedly trusted when her family received her as a gift in 2012, and yet she turned out to be an illicit seductress. Amy punished her accordingly, and put her back in her box in the attic for the next 11 months.
Gertie the Elf vowed this year would be different, so Amy let her back out.
Seeing the mass of ingredients strewn about the kitchen for a feast, Gertie even volunteered to help make Thanksgiving dinner with her capable, fingerless hands.
But the moment her gaze lit upon that pasty white foul, It. Was. Over. She could not resist sliding herself inside the biggest body cavity she’d ever dreamed of.
And yes, it’s true: She brought her own pound of butter to ease her way in…
And back in…
And out again…
Amy could do nothing but hang her head in shame, then send me in the evidence of Gertie the Elf’s excitement.
It just goes to show, not every elf deserves a second chance.
Bad, bad Gertie! Off to Free Clinic you go…
I can’t think of a better way to kick off the madness of Elf on the Shelf Season than giving one of my readers exactly what they long for:
Enter below to win your very own The Elf on the Shelf A Christmas Tradition boxed gift set. It includes a boy elf, the book, and a handy-dandy box in which to perch your elf off-season so he doesn’t get into any of his usual shenanigans. I’m also throwing in a $25 Amazon.com gift card, in case you want to buy him some elfy clothes, the DVD of An Elf’s Story, or a plush BFF to hang out with.
TERMS & CONDITIONS:
- Open to residents of the continental US only from Midnight 11/02/13-Midnight 11/09/13.
- Winner will be notified via email & on the ElfShaming Facebook Page on Saturday 11/09/13. If the winner does not respond within 48 hours, another winner will be chosen.
- Prize package will be sent to the winner within 7 days of shipping address confirmation.
ENTER TO WIN:
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Yeah yeah yeah. I know.
It’s only September.
Your kids just went back to school.
You thought you had PLENTY of time before you needed to dust the cobwebs off the jingly, merry, red-velveted part of your brain to recall exactly where you left last year’s Elf on the Shelf.
Nope. You need to start thinking now, my dear friends.
And while you’re thinking about whether he or she is in the attic, basement, hall closet, hidden in a black trash bag in the guest room, or possibly in an opaque Tupperware bin in the shed, I have something to help you pass the time.
Golly. You look BORED. Sure, there’s back-to-school nights and Halloween and Thanksgiving and a smattering of other holidays and travel and shopping to do between now and The Big Show, but this game is a sure-fire way to make you feel the
frustration magic of the season in your bones!
Light an evergreen candle, turn on the soul-gnawing music, and hide that elf – the first to find him gets a “gift”! And by “gift” I mean non-unwrappable itty bitty game piece your kids are bound to eat or lose before the first string of garland is hung. Hooray! This game is sure to haunt you harder than The Ghost of Christmas Past, for many years to come. Enjoy!
Nothing feels better than throwing the winning card down before your weeping child’s face while declaring, “You LOSE because you are NAUGHTY. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!”
I imagine this game will go over very well with both emotionally fragile 36-month-olds as well as surly 15-year-olds, just as the box description insists.
Both of these games are available right now, so click on the images above to snap up the set on Amazon today!
Before you know it, it’ll be time to start making bedazzled mini cake pops with elfin grins on them, and setting your iPhone alarms to “Move The Damn Elf Again” about an hour after the kids doze off.
As for me here at ElfShaming? Oh, I have some more stuff up my sleeve, and I’ll see you around again soon.
Don’t forget to follow ElfShaming everywhere, so you don’t miss a single naughty Elf or Elfy goodie this year:
Well. THAT WAS SO TOTALLY FUN.
You people are crazy.
Your elves are crazy.
These facts make me a very, very happy girl.
But now the elves have gone back to Santa at the North Pole…
…most likely for 11 months of behavioral training, so we don’t find tiny empty booze bottles, impregnated garden gnomes, or “snow”-covered crumpled dollar bills in our homes next holiday season.
Thank you so much for sharing your crazy elves with me in 2012, for recommending this website to your friends on Facebook, Pinning the images on Pinterest, Tweeting them, and more.
Sharing laughter is awesome.
As you recover from the holidays over the next few weeks, discovering
evidence photos of your elves on your various cameras, I encourage you to share them with me.
Post them on my Facebook Page or email them to me.
You never know what they were up to when your backs were turned, but I’d love to see it and share it here.
Keep the photos coming, and you just might see your naughty elves featured on ElfShaming in 2013.
Let’s just hope all the attention doesn’t go to their heads.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.