The REAL (Elf) Legend of Sleepy Hollow

ohnce upon a time there was a delightful town called Sleepy Hollow.

It was a bright, bustling place of laughter and light. The townsfolk enjoyed meeting to exchange pleasantries over tea, or arranging social engagements such as festive dances. It wasn’t uncommon to see gentlemen riding elegant horses with long manes adorned with bows and simple jewels, waving to neighbors and shopkeepers along the route. 

Sleepy Hollow Showing up to the Dance @ElfShaming
Just heading to the party with my pimped-out pony. Tra-la-lah!

Each Christmas season the street lamps would be decorated with boughs of holly, and a knock on your door would reveal rosy-cheeked carolers, whose voices could lift your spirits higher than the tallest birch tree in the forest.

Then Becky the Elf arrived.

Sleepy Hollow Meet Becky on @ElfShaming
New to town. WATCH YOUR BACKS.

Sure, she seemed perfectly fine, but there was something about her eyes that made the townsfolk leery.

Sleepy Hollow Becky Eyes on @ElfShaming
Let me look into your AAAAAAAK!!!

Being the polite society that it was, no one openly accused Becky the Elf of anything, and she was welcomed to the dances, dinners, and social engagements just like everyone else.

Then, one night, Becky disappeared from the Sleepy Hollow Annual Winter Ball. She had been looking out the window as the men began arriving, and then she was gone

Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream echoed through the night, raising goosebumps on the merry flesh of everyone in town, chilling them to the bone. The thumping of hooves soon followed, revealing a headless horseman to the townspeople who fled for their homes.

Sleepy Hollow Headless Horseman on ElfShaming
What happens to men who mess with the wrong woman…elf.

From that night on a curfew was put in place, for every evening as the moon rose so did the headless horseman. He rode the empty streets in search of the one thing he wanted back more than anything: HIS HEAD. There were no more dinners, no more dances, no more boughs of holly, for everyone feared the wrath of what now haunted the town of Sleepy Hollow.

Sleepy Hollow Becky the Butcher on @ElfShaming
LIAR.

The End

Man, that Becky. I mean, really…cursing an entire town?

What a bitch. Santa must have been pissed.

Have an elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.
Follow ElfShaming on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest.

Drop Dead Fred Makes a Citizen’s Arrest

Defending Santa’s honor is not a bad thing.

Getting blood on your hands is.

Every shopping mall in America has a “Santa” in December, ready to listen to kids tell him their Wish Lists and hand out lollipops.

Drop Dead Fred the Elf doesn’t have a problem with this.

He has a problem with people puppets anyone else imitating The Man With the Bag. If there’s no line of kids or gifts to hand out, he gets very suspicous of the impersonator’s intentions.

He gets very defensive.

He gets very violent.

Just ask Animal, who thought it’d be a hoot to don a festive beard and cap. 

 Uh….nevermind. Unless you have the ability to talk to the dead, that is.

I have a feeling Santa will not be as pleased with Drop Dead Fred’s Citizen’s Arrest as DDF thinks he’ll be. I mean…it’s not exactly an “arrest” when you stab a Muppet to death just for dressing like Mr. Claus. 

This is one Elf who deserves to be on The Naughty List. And in prison.

Elf submitted by Dawn I. Follow her on Instagram.
No Muppets were actually murdered in the making of this post. I hope.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elves Aren’t Supposed to do Taxidermy

Jenny should have seen this coming.

When The Bloggess brought an Elf on the Shelf into her home, all she asked for was a bit of controlled merriment for her kid.

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…when will you learn?

Of course the felted bitch went rogue.

It began with this:

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

I’m a fan of The Never Ending Story as much as the next 30-something-year-old. But shouldn’t that Elf spend her daylight hours doing what Jenny wants her to do?

For example, either sitting around judging the family like she was created to do, or ransacking the house for hidden drugs like she was asked to do

Instead of sitting or ransacking, this over-achieving Elf misread her instruction manual and took on a task. 

It didn’t take long for her to observe her owner’s love of all things (naturally) dead and stuffed. And sometimes in tasteful costume.

Refusing to leave the gift-giving up to Santa, this Elf got herself a steak knife from the kitchen and tried her (fingerless) hand at taxidermy. Unfortunately, she attempted this on the leather couch. 

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

Her intentions may have been in a good place. But her knife decidedly was not.

Next time, this little Dexter Morgan of upholstered furniture better leave the crafting to the professionals and just sit her skirted ass down where it belongs.

Even if that means another ride on a golden taxidermied hamster.

Elf submitted by Jenny of TheBloggess.com.
Buy her book. You will laugh obscenely. 

Follow Jenny on Twitter & Facebook.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Natalie & Sneaky: Two Peas in a Pod

Don’t they look just so CUTE together?

Don’t be fooled. 

Natalie has been known to come down with a little Beiber Fever.

Also? Sneaky has a gun. AND HIS NAME IS “SNEAKY.”

An innocent smile often hides unspeakable deeds. Multiply that times two, throw in a gun-wielding fella and his swinging lady friend, and who knows what they’re up to after dark?

I sure as heck don’t want to hear about it. I’d like to keep my innocence.

Elf submitted by Maria Cal, @RiaCal on Twitter
Follow Maria on Instagram.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.