Three Strikes & You’re Out, Scout!

Scout doesn’t follow the rules. 

Elf Arrested on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no writing on the walls.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Graffiti on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no stealing nail polish, and definitely no painting people’s toenails as they slept. Especially boys.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Pedicure on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

When he was told no ice sculptures in the freezer, he didn’t listen, and so qualified for the Three Strikes Rule. Which, of course, landed him in lock-up.

Elf MugShot on @ElfShaming by RachelB

I doubt Santa will send Scout out again next year, considering he now has a rap sheet.

Way to ruin a perfectly good Elfing career, Scout.

Elf submitted by Rachel B of Roscoe, IL.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf on the Shelf is Annoying

Skippy’s smile doesn’t hide a damn thing.

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming #elfontheshelf

Mary Ann’s Elf on the Shelf, Skippy, is annoying. Plain and simple.

Does he encourage the kids to clean up? Not at all. In fact, he encourages them to throw expensive 2-ply TP all over the house!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Toilet Paper

Does he help with the decorating? Not a chance. He’s too busy hiding the stockings and replacing them with underpants to assist in hanging the lights on the tree!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Skippy Underwear

Is he a good role model? Are you kiddin’ me? He doesn’t exercise, he eats marshmallow kebabs for breakfast!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming marshmallows

Does he make her morning easier? No way, no how, no sir. Unless you think packing the kids’ lunch boxes with dog food, raw unwashed potatos, and jars of coriander trims tasks off Mary Ann’s To Do List!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming

At least Skippy’s visit will be over soon. Just not soon enough. 

Elf submitted by Mary Ann of TurboKickNJ.com.
Follow Mary Ann on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

You Won’t Believe Where Dickie Doo Has Been

Dickie Doo takes celebrating a bit too far.

PurplePinkie on @ElfShaming #ElfontheShelf

Rhonda and the ladies from The Purple Pinkie Salon were in a festive mood. It was time for their annual Christmas party!

They bid farewell to the salon’s Elf, Dickie Doo, hopped into the car, and headed out for a night of merriment.

Then things took a bit of a turn, to say the least.

Someone snuck a ride.

Shouldn't he be in a really REALLY small carseat?
Shouldn’t he be in a really REALLY small carseat?

When the giggling gang got to the hotel, they thought it would be fine to just leave Dickie Doo in the room.

Then they changed their minds.

Ooooohhhh...big screeeeen...
Ooooohhhh…big screeeeen…

With a resigned sigh, Rhonda popped him in her purse, told him to behave, and went to the bar to toast the holidays with friends and co-workers.

Dickie Doo was quick to get in on the action.

Hey! Quick hoggin' the cabernet, DD!
Hey! Quick hoggin’ the cabernet, DD!

Dickie Doo’s serving size was WAY bigger than it should have been, so the night quickly got out of control.

Case in point: within fifteen minutes of his first drink, Dickie Doo got stuck in the cleavage of Miss Full Figure Drag Queen USA, who suddenly had a fist full of singles.

*mumblemumblemumble!*
*mumblemumblemumble!*

One of Rhonda’s friends was able to pry Dickie Doo out and the ladies dragged him back to the hotel room. Enough is enough, Dickie!

They made him Pinky Swear to be on good behavior for the rest of the night, locked the Adult Access channels on the TV, and went back out without him.

It is unclear what happened after that, but there was a little security footage…

Peek-a-Boo!
Peek-a-Boo!

…and then…

Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!
Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!

Rhonda was charged for six busted hotel security cameras on her floor, in the elevator and by the rear hotel exit, but Dickie Doo didn’t show back up until the following week, so she’s not sure where he went, what he did, or how he got back home.

And Dickie Doo sure as heck ain’t talkin’.

Next year? There will be a mandatory handbag and car search before Rhonda and the Purple Pinkie crew head out for their holiday celebration. You can bet your bottom (crumbled, sweaty) dollar on that.

Elf submitted by Rhonda from The Purple Pinkie.
See more of Rhonda’s crazy elf Dickie Doo on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

An Elf on the Shelf Party…and the Aftermath

Some people love the Elf on the Shelf.

Then Holy Christmas Pudding on a Poppyseed Cracker do other people LOVE the Elf on the Shelf with the deep burning passion of a thousand crackling fireplaces.

Audrey is one of the latter. She has many elves.

Many, many, many elves.

I’ve been getting to know her elves pretty well. Let’s call it “Elvestigative Reporting”, shall we?

Oh yes, we shall.

Anyway.

Did you know that some Elves like to party? Audrey’s elves do. And they make it look sooooooooo cuuuuuuuute.

 

OMG I TOTALLY WANT TO BE AN ELF RIGHT NOW.

Tiny Elf Cake Pops?

Itty Bitty Elf Oven Mitts for baking Teenie Weenie Elf Cookies?

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[passes out from cuteness]

[wakes up with glitter sprinkled on my shirt to the distinct odor of candy canes]

Okay. Where was I?

Oh yeah: Audrey’s Elves are frickin’ adorable to the max.

BUT…

(there’s always a “but” around here)

…even the adorable ones can be trouble.

You see, since I was spending so much time with this festive felty gang, they got used to my being around. Sure, I’m over five feet taller than them, but it was like I was one of them.

They got comfortable. Let me see the other side of them.

The frisky side.

An Elf party starts innocently enough. How it ends is a whole different story.

Once Audrey turns her back on the red & white-clad gang to tuck her kids in for the night, their real personalities come out swinging. Literally.

The sun sets, and they break out the T.P.

Not even the baby is safe from their rowdy wrath.

Nary a cookie or cupcake in the house is off-limits.

And you know what you can’t stop from happening once Mack and Miss Bliss get revved up on a sugar high, right?

A major snogging session. No mistletoe required.

I think that’s enough evidence to prove my point that no Elf, no matter how adorable or innocent-looking, is truly never a troublemaker. 

So before yours packs up to go back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve, you might want to check his bags, okay?

You just never know what those sneaky sons-of-guns may have slipped in there.

Elves submitted by Audrey of Sweet Cheeks Tasty Treats.
She has loads of Elf Awesomeness HERE & HERE.
Follow Audrey on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Shelley the Elf’s Bait-and-Switch

Everyone thinks Shelley is The Best. Elf. EVER.

But…

Sure, Tammy’s kids squealed with delight upon finding a gift from Shelley the good-natured Elf not long ago.

Celebrations were in order: The Elf on the Shelf was doing her job! The kids were being good! All was well and merry!

Tammy and her family were so pleased to have such a generous Elf on their hands. I mean, it’s not just any Elf that would be so generous as to get on Pinterest late at night for a recipe to create homemade snowman cookies, right?
That takes a kind, sweet, giving sort of Elf.

Hold on.

Speaking of giving…Who gave you the OK to eat those, Shelley??

Those aren’t for you! They were hidden in Mommy’s Secret High Cabinet for when the kids are asleep.

Bad elf! Don’t do that again!

[20 minutes later]

Oh, so you think you’re funny now? Stealing the kids’ favorite snack and pretending to fish with it?

Wasting all that food, just to pull a prank?

Not funny, Miss Elf. Not funny at all.

Now get your itty bitty felty booty back in the kitchen and bake up some more goodies to make up for this greedy gluttony, or I’m telling Santa. 

Elf submitted by Tammy.
Follow Tammy on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf on the Shelf is For Sale

I have nothing against transvestites, cross-dressers, or anything of the sort.

What I do have a problem with – and Ladies, I’m guessing you’re with me on this one – is when a fella like Teddy looks better than I do while cross dressing.

I mean, I’m a woman and I don’t look half as believable as he does in that make-up.

And look at those gams! He makes those knee-high boots his bitch.

As well as Woody.

What should he be ashamed of, you ask?

The illegal prostitution, for one, and tricking his filthy clients into believing he doesn’t have a twig and berries beneath that party dress until it’s too late.

And I’m not just saying that because he’s got a better figure than me.

I’m not jealous at all.

Nope. Not at all. 

Elf submitted by Leigh of Me & Meg.
Follow Leigh & Meg on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Hanukah Helpers Can Be Naughty, Too

This Hanukah Helper isn’t all that helpful.

Ilana recently had her 2nd kid in less than 3 years. This lady could use an extra pair of hands around the house during the holiday season.

Abraham the Hanukah Helper arrived in good spirits and a fuzzy blue jumpsuit.

On the first night of Hanukah, Ilana and her newly-expanded family began their celebration with a special blessing and candle-lighting, trusting that Abraham was taking care of things in the kitchen.

He wasn’t. 

 This did not go over well.

Furious at his prank, but still desperate for back-up, Ilana sent Abraham to get the gelt for little Mazzy. Can’t get that wrong…right?

Mazzy was thrilled to see the bag of coins, because she knew that beneath the gold wrappers was delicious chocolate candy.

Or was it?

Later that evening, just when Ilana finally got the baby to sleep and was ready to tuck in for the night herself,  pint-sized footsteps bolting towards the toilet told her something was amiss. It didn’t take long for her to suss out the truth about her horrible Hanukah Helper.  

 Abraham confessed to his crimes of pork and pooping, and was sentenced to spending the other 7 nights of Hanukah doing all of the middle-of-the-night feedings of the newborn. This punishment of diaper duty in the dark and a week without sleep should straighten him right out. Hopefully.

Elf Hanukah Helper submitted by Ilana of MommyShorts.
See more of Abraham’s antics here
Follow Ilana on FacebookTwitter, & Instagram.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

The “Not Me!” Mystery? SOLVED.

Strange things were happening at Kathy’s house.

She’d look to her four sons and ask them who left the lights on again, who made the mess, who ate the snacks, who broke another ornament.

Each time they’d all answer “Not me!”

This scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it?

Recently, Elfie Oodle had arrived at her home, and she’d ask him whether he knew anything about the trouble going on. His sweet smile made her think he was an innocent bystander with no details to give.

Then she got wise to his ways.

She figured out who had the magic to fly up to those lights.

She heard fingerless hands digging when the boys were asleep.

She saw tiny yogurt footprints on the kitchen counter.

She knew her boys wouldn’t dare go near her vintage ornaments. 

The only thing she has left to figure out, is whether Elfie Oodle was the one causing the “Not me!” Trouble all these years, or if he can only be blamed for the recent rash of messes and mayhem.

I suspect kids across the globe are waiting with bated breath, hoping Elfie Oodle gets all the blame… 

Elf submitted by Kathy at Kissing the Frog.
Follow Kathy on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elf on the Shelf at Target

Jenn needed to run a simple errand: Shopping at Target.

She wasn’t expecting a pint-sized magical plush helper to tag along.

This unnamed girlie Elf hopped into Jenn’s cart as she passed by. Being an open-minded gal with things to do, Jenn didn’t say much of anything.

She even overlooked a little trouble-making in the holiday aisle.

Then things started getting personal. Like, Mean Girls, personal.

Not cool, you Arctic anarchist. Not. Cool.

Only two more stops before Jenn could loop back around to drop this feisty Elf off where she came from. If she only knew that Santa’s Helper would want to get innocent Target customers arrested for shoplifting, she would have kicked the Elf out right then and there!

It couldn’t possible get worse than jail time…could it?!

Before Elf could do any more harm, Jenn grabbed her prescription from the Pharmacist while dashing back to the Elf on the Shelf display, ridding herself of her unscrupulous passenger for good.

Little did she know, there was one last trick up the Elf’s scarlet sleeve.

Let’s hope that Jenn figures this one out before it’s too late. 

 

Elf submitted by Jenn of Something Clever 2.0
Follow Jenn on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Soiling a Respectable Scrabble Board

There is nothing wrong with an Elf on the Shelf playing games. 

However…

We’d just hope that these Elves are playing appropriate games.

In an appropriate way.

This little guy was discovered in front of a Scrabble board.

That, in itself, was not the problem. 

The problem was that he was playing a late night game of Strip Scrabble with Dora the Explorer and Baby Alive.

Clearly, spelling is not Baby Alive’s strong suit.

And even though Scrabble is typically seen as an intellectual’s game, this cerebral Elf insisted on tawdry tile placement and the kind of language that respectable dolls like Dora should not be familiar with.

True gamers may have the desire to compliment his ability to stick to a theme and keep hitting those Double Word Scores. But that’s not the point, people. 

The point is that two innocent dolls were lured into the kind of Game Night that starts with popcorn and pleasantries, but ends with Fifty Shades of Grey-type experimentation with riding crops and safety words.

This is one filthy-minded trickster of an Elf who deserves to be locked out of all game closets for the foreseeable future. Starting? Now.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.