One Elf’s Hard Times

Ohhhh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…

At least you know when you’ve done wrong.

 

His story is a sad one that has the feel of a Charles Dickens tale mixed with grain alcohol and lace panties.

Johnny hated his job. He was caught under the influence one too many times. He fell on hard times, which did nothing to curtail his drinking. 

He did some things he shouldn’t have.

He got caught. There was a BIG scene. His wife found out.

Barbie tossed his ass out of the Dream House. His clothes, his fancy hats, his pride…everything was scattered on the front lawn.

He drank more. He wore her clothes, which he stole from the house when she was out grocery shopping one afternoon. He rarely showed up for work.

Johnny’s days were spent drinking. His nights were spent puking.
This was not the life Santa had hoped for him.

One morning he woke up in Barbie’s satin spangled house frock, reeking of rum and regret, and realized that it was up to him to make his life worth living again. It didn’t take magic to make him a Good Elf, it took courage.

He threw out all the spiked eggnog he had left in his rental apartment, and headed back home to his love, ready to reenact her favorite John Cusak movie scene in an attempt to win her back.

 Will Johnny keep up the cleaned-up act? Will Barbie forgive his drunken, philandering ways? 

Only time will tell. 

Elf submitted by Kate Horey of ThePushUpBlog

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Chucky’s Favorite Things

Chucky the Elf likes lots of things.

Some of the things he likes are a little rebellious.

Ohhhh….Chucky….

Others result in a behavior that is a bit more depraved.

Thank goodness he’s in a one-piece suit that zips in the back.

Having a seasonal preference isn’t something to be that ashamed of, but springing fresh wood each time an innocent mom strolls by definitely is. 

Let’s hope Chucky is able to keep his love at a distance this holiday season.

And by “love” I mean “rock hard elfish wiener”.

Elf submitted by Anna of MyLifeAndKids.com
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An International Agreement

New Zealand will never be the same.

You see, there is no such thing as The Elf on the Shelf in New Zealand. 

But Mummy is an international gal, so she asked Santa to send someone to her house. She couldn’t be the only one of her blog friends to be Elf-less!

Alas, Ken arrived to do the job in his smart khakis and glorious smile.

It didn’t take long for Mummy and her kids to realize that Ken had issues.

Confidence issues.

Ken never thought he’d be as pretty as a real Elf, so at night he’d sneak into the lacey bits and bobs in Mummy’s underwear drawer or dig into the dollhouse for a little dress-up.

Ken had always wanted to be a redhead.

At first Mummy and clan were horrified…until they realized that they could blackmail Ken into sending only “Nice” reports back to the big guy in the red suit each evening.

Sure, Mummy’s undies now smell of self-tanner and lost dreams, but it’s a small price to pay for a month’s worth of good reports and a tree bursting with gifts on Christmas morning.

Elf submitted by Wub Boo Mummy
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Never Trust Bored Elves

Some elves don’t understand that trust must be earned.

Domestic Goddess is a lovely and giving person.

All she asked of her Elves was for them to wait patiently in the playroom until it was their time to come out for the holidays.

She trusted them.

*SIGH*

It didn’t go well. Click here to see how her (untrustworthy) Elves spent their leisure time.

I don’t mean to give away any spoilers, but it decidedly does not include doing charitable work or expanding their minds by reading classic literature.

Looks like someone’s going to end up being stored in a locked box after the holidays next time around…

Elf submitted by Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
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Elfy Kept His Eyes Open

Elfy couldn’t help himself.

Eyes. Wide. OPEN.

Happy little Elfy was perched on JD’s bedroom dresser so she wouldn’t forget to get him ready for the holidays.

But she did forget.

Then she got busy. Busy busy, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Being that Elfy’s eyes are permanently fixed wide, wide open, he couldn’t help but witness a bit of human carnal action right there in front of him. He had no choice!

As for the thrilled grin on his face? That’s alllllll Elfy. Naughty boy.

Elf submitted by JD of Honest Mom
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Johnny is a Bad Apple

Johnny is a complicated Elf.

A man of many tastes.

Some Elves quietly relax while in storage, catching up on rest for 11 months before the hectic 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas arrives. Sleeping, reading, rearranging his quarters in a green and red Rubbermaid bin…this is what Johnny should have been up to.

Not this guy. He’s a frisky one.

One may be tempted to cast judgement and say he was probably sewn naughty.

I tend to think that he was walking a righteous path up until his Naming Day. That was was this Nameless Elf was given the same moniker as a man who brought roadkill to his son’s Preschool pick-up, thinking the wee ones would enjoy the sight of flattened critter carcasses.

When someone’s named after the kind of bad-ass who travels with roadkill, you gotta expect him to experiment sexually and mingle with unsavory characters.

It’s like being bad was his destiny, and he’s just living up to the expectations. How can we possibly blame him for that?

Elf submitted by Allison of MotherhoodWTF?
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Squirrel Isn’t Really an Elf (Shhh!)

Squirrel isn’t your typical Elf. Obviously. 

Because he’s a friggin’ squirrel.

“Cheap” or “Creative”? Let’s ask Pinterest…

Squirrel has a back story.

Quite possibly a completely bullshit story in an attempt to cover up the fact that squirrels aren’t really seen around The North Pole, but why get into frivolous details? This dude’s got bigger problems than geography.

Is he a bastard child? 

Not sure. But if the story below is true, then his mom’s pretty slutty. Which can be embarrassing, when your friends find out this sort of thing.

www.HollowTreeVentures.com

Maybe this blogger’s kids will respect an Elf-hat-donning squirrel.

Maybe not.

But at least Mom is trying to get a message of holiday cheer across. Or a woodland creature sex-gone-wrong message across.

One of those.

Happy Holidays!

Elf submitted by Robyn of Hollow Tree Ventures
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Purvis the Huffing Pervert

“Purvis” the Elf? More like Pervert the Elf.

Don’t think that’s quite the Christmas Magic we’re supposed to be teaching our kids about.

Normally laundry rooms are where the dirty stuff goes to get clean.

Not in this house.

Huffing & hot pink panties have turned this squeaky-clean Elf into a filthy perv with a one-way ticket to Santa’s Dry Cleaning Detention Center. 

You might want to wear rubber gloves when packing him up, my dear. Who knows where his hands have been.

Actually…yeah. We know exactly where they’re been.

Elf submitted by Toulouse and Tonic
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Sporticus Bangs Brobee

Sporticus the Elf should be ashamed of himself.

I’m watching your hands, Mister Sporticus. Very closely.

Last year he was up to no good in Signs Your Elf on the Shelf is on The Naughty List:
– buying Elf Apps without permission
– stealing prescription painkillers & chasing them down with Wild Turkey
– “losing” socks
– masturbating to Elf Porn
– knockin’ boots with Brobee

www.LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com 2011

Let’s hope he can keep his hands off the hooch and his Manhood away from the Yo Gabba Gabba plushies this holiday season.

The freak.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
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