These Elves Made the Most of Their Last Weekend of Freedom

They knew the end was near.

The Elf End is Near on @ElfShaming

And we’re not talking about the Mayan End-of-the-World thing.

The elves knew that this was the last weekend before Christmas. So they did what they do best.

GOT COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Wayne & Billy went to a cabin in Big Bear with their cousins, partying hard with Barbie and one of those whorish Monster High Dolls.

Elves submitted by Val Perez.
Elves submitted by Val Perez.

But he wasn’t the only one into drugs and booze…

Elf submitted by Melinda F.
Elf submitted by Melinda F.

Blink the Elf surrounded himself with all the Holiday Ladies of the house, talking them into a one-man “celebration.”

Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.
Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.

Henry refused to leave the bar even ONCE to check on the kids.

Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.
Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.

Bob tried to get himself kicked out of the North Pole.

Elf submitted by Jodi.
Elf submitted by Jodi via Facebook.

This guy became a Chippendales dancer.

Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.
Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.

Some cracked open their owners’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and put it to the test.

Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.

 There’s many, many, MANNNNNNY more where that came from. 

But at this point? I’m getting downright disgusted at all this debauchery.

Damn elves.

Elf submitted via email & Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf’s Name Tells All

Jumbo hates to waste his gift.

I mean, his name IS “Jumbo.” Soooo….I guess it would be unfortunate if he kept his finest quality to himself.

It’s just that, well, his host mom, Shawn, isn’t a big fan of walking in on his gift in action.

Long, strong, flexible, AND hung like a reindeer: Impressive.

Yet…

Constantly persuading the nutcrackers to service him: Shameful.

(Errr…I think…?) 

Elf submitted by Shawn of Shawnisms.
Follow Shawn on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

“Kandy” Had Too Much Fun

Most Girls’ Night Outs just end with fond memories and inside jokes.

But not all of them.

 

What started as drinks with the girls, resulted in a major Life change that could seriously damage her chances at career advancement.

Or will it?

You be the judge. 

Read the whole sordid story here on Juicebox Confession.

Let’s just hope that “Kandy” has learned to lay off the Peppermint Schnapps.  

Elf submitted by Michelle of Juicebox Confession.
Follow Michelle on Facebook & Twitter.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf on the Shelf is For Sale

I have nothing against transvestites, cross-dressers, or anything of the sort.

What I do have a problem with – and Ladies, I’m guessing you’re with me on this one – is when a fella like Teddy looks better than I do while cross dressing.

I mean, I’m a woman and I don’t look half as believable as he does in that make-up.

And look at those gams! He makes those knee-high boots his bitch.

As well as Woody.

What should he be ashamed of, you ask?

The illegal prostitution, for one, and tricking his filthy clients into believing he doesn’t have a twig and berries beneath that party dress until it’s too late.

And I’m not just saying that because he’s got a better figure than me.

I’m not jealous at all.

Nope. Not at all. 

Elf submitted by Leigh of Me & Meg.
Follow Leigh & Meg on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Rambo Gets His Way

Rambo needs to learn that No Means No

Sweet, fluffy, reliable George was just laying around, minding his own business.

Then Rambo the Elf popped by out of nowhere.

Hey George. What’s up?

George smelled trouble, and tried to ignore him.

Rambo wouldn’t stand for The Cold Shoulder. He came a little closer. 

 Hey Handsome. Doggy want a bone?

George stood strong as long as he could. Then Rambo broke out the Big Guns:

How about a some bacon and a tummy rub? 

Now THAT was an offer Man’s Best Friend can’t refuse.

Rambo even hand-fed the persuaded pooch bits of crispy bacon, rendering him up for anything.

Who’s a good booooooy???

It didn’t take long before Rambo was taking full advantage of the situation, spooning that cute canine well into the night.

 Just don’t tell the cat, okay?

Elf submitted by Kerry of HouseTalkN.com
Follow Kerry on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Hermey Gets a Second Chance

Some elves are happy to be Shamed. They’re a better Elf for it.

Take Hermey, for instance.

He had a pretty big dream, but got sidetracked by some dastardly distractions.

Yet, he has no problem admitting his flaws. He feels that if he digs deeply enough, he’ll find the answers to why he did what he did.

Why he snorted what he snorted. 

Why he landed himself in lock-up.

Here, let’s take a peek into his latest therapy session…

Hooray!

Finally, a Shamed Elf who got the help he needed and now is on the path to becoming the man Elf he deserves to be.

Don’t you just love a happy ending?

Get your own set of Hermey and his friends here:

Elf (and his gang) submitted by Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
Follow Bethany on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Gertie the Elf Lowers Her Standards

Gertie is a weak Elf on the Shelf.

A well-meaning aunt brought Gertie the Elf to the Kalasunas home, thinking she would incite innocent joy to the hearts of everyone there.

Little did she know, that home was teeming with the heat of Finney the Evilly Seductive Guinea Pig. 

Santa’s orders were for Gertie to spread holiday magic.

That’s not exactly what she spread.

Mama Kalasunas heard the tell-tale 70s porno music and knew there was trouble. She searched everywhere for Gertie, but it was too late.

Finney liked it so he put his little pig in it.

Then Gertie tossed her hair like Beyonce and went back for more the next night. And the night after that. Then the night after that.

Oh, Gertie. We expected so much more out of you then to become some furry fiend’s booty call. Santa is not going to be happy when he hears about this.

Elf submitted by Amy Kalasunas, via Facebook. 
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Repositioning the Elves

Some Elves shouldn’t be left home alone.

Also? Some Elf Owners shouldn’t be left home alone.

Instead of finishing all those home projects that have been lingering for ages, updating his will, or researching new manscaping devices, Midget Man of Steel got busy reading…

…the Kama Sutra sex position manual.

Then got busy finding his camera.

And gathering up his Elf on the Shelf buddies.

Sure, MidgetManofSteel should be ashamed of his perverse puppetry, but the elves were more than happy to go along with this little game. There was no will to bend, no persuading to do.

The Elves were very excited participants in this sick game of Show & Tell.

Very, very excited participants, the kinky bastards.

Which is why the Shelf Elf Kama Sutra post exists. Go ahead, take a look (if you’re over 18 years old, and a sick freak who likes Elves bending for pleasure).

Just know that if you enjoy it? You should be ashamed, too.

Elf submitted by Midget Man of Steel
Follow MMoS as @moooooog35 on Twitter.
He has a book coming out in January. It’s going to be very funny. For real.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Natalie & Sneaky: Two Peas in a Pod

Don’t they look just so CUTE together?

Don’t be fooled. 

Natalie has been known to come down with a little Beiber Fever.

Also? Sneaky has a gun. AND HIS NAME IS “SNEAKY.”

An innocent smile often hides unspeakable deeds. Multiply that times two, throw in a gun-wielding fella and his swinging lady friend, and who knows what they’re up to after dark?

I sure as heck don’t want to hear about it. I’d like to keep my innocence.

Elf submitted by Maria Cal, @RiaCal on Twitter
Follow Maria on Instagram.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Be Thankful That Your Elf on the Shelf…

Today is a day to be thankful.

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf didn’t steal the remote and delete all of your DVR settings, only to replace them with 200 hours of Will Farrell in Elf.

Who needs football and parades, when there’s movies on about my kinfolk?

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf hasn’t eaten all the Stove Top Stuffing, forcing you to borrow stale bread from the neighbors to make 3 batches from scratch the morning of Thanksgiving.

Carbo-loaded and drunk on organic chicken stock. What an embarrassment.

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf didn’t introduce himself to your Peaceful Pilgrim & nice Native American friend, only to seduce them into a menage a trois.

It’s fine that you all are getting along nicely…just not THAT nicely.

Photo submitted by EvilJoySpeaks, also on Facebook & Twitter.

Thankful your elf wasn’t overheard offering the Christmas decorations $10 in chocolate coins for a BJ, only to get threatened with cracked nuts. 

Well, at least he’s only mounting a star, and not an angel. That’s…something, right?

Finally, let’s be thankful that many of you don’t have the kind of elf that poops in your cereal, or if you do have a bad elf, that you a place to shame him or her here at ElfShaming.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.