There is a BIG Difference

Acronyms confuse people.

I admit that I Googled “NSFW” the first time I saw it, and sometimes need to refer to a cheat sheet to understand what people are saying on The Twitter.

But when it comes to MILF vs MELF? I’m not sure how people can not know that these are two VERY different things.

MELF on the shelf vs MILF on the shelf on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

First, the MILF on the Shelf. Usually not an actual elf, often seen in last night’s party dress, or a push-up bra before 3pm. Known to most who see her as a “Mom I’d Like to F…” well, you know how that goes. Almost always wearing mascara. And if she ended up on the shelf? She should probably be ashamed of herself for whatever she did that landed her there.

By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.
By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.

On the other hand, we have MELF on the Shelf. Usually discovered in the wee hours of the morning, often seen in last night’s pajamas climbing up onto shelves to put the real Elf on the Shelf in a new spot where the kids can’t reach it. Known to Santa as a “Mom Elf” for doing so much watching of the kids before Christmas. Almost always clutching a cup of coffee. And when you find her on a shelf? You should probably help her down, or at least distract the kids before they catch her moving that damn elf at the last minute again.

MELF on the Shelf by Kim Bongiorno on ElfShaming with ElfOnTheShelf

Sure, I guess a MILF can technically be a MELF–but I bet they don’t look very MILF-like while MELFing.

And I’m pretty sure there are both DILFs and DELFs out there, too. Now that I’d like to see.

While I ponder all this, please take a moment to enjoy some other elftasticness on web, courtesy of NickMom, such as:

The Elf Creepiness Chart – Who’s worse: Clay Aiken or Hermey?

The 6 Weirdest Locations for the Elf on the Shelf – Really? An OVEN??

The Elf on the Shelf 2013 Pop Culture Edition – LOLOLOL

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Peeping Elf

Here’s the thing about elves: they look like innocent felty folk who just want to steal candy canes and bags of mini marshmallows for adorable games of holiday hockey with passing chickadees and chipmunks.

I mean, yeah, of course they love doing that. Who wouldn’t?

But there are other things they love to do.

Other more…sordid things.

And if they can’t do them?

They watch.

Peeping Elf by MomComs on ElfShaming

Another glorious daytime date ruined by a peeping elf.

The pervs.

The irony here is that this elf’s name is Diamond Snowfake. You’d think with a moniker like that he’d be a wee bit more original and classy than this, BUT NO.

(Am I the only one glad we can’t see what he’s doing with his hands?)

Elf photo submitted by Jennifer Scharf of MomComs. Follow her on Twitter.

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7 Deadly Elf Sins: Lust

The 6yo gave Sporticus the Elf a cute teeny teddy bear.

Sure, it was a bribe because she had behaved in a way that she knew Santa wouldn’t quite approve of. But – other than that – it was an innocent enough gift.

The innocence didn’t last long.

Not long at all.

ElfShaming 7 Deadly Elf Sins Lust

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Dobbie’s Back – and He’s Crafting!

Dobbie the Elf is Back on ElfShaming

Dobbie is one of the most (in)famous elves on the internet.

Many call him an inappropriate Elf on the Shelf.

He’s perfectly fine with that.

He happens to live with an artsy crafty family, and took it upon himself to join in on the family fun. You know, help decorate the house. Make it look more festive.

Snowflakes are a lovely addition to any home’s decor. There’s no way a project like this could go wrong. Unless…

Dobbie making snowflakes Elf on the Shelf Idea TheBeardedIris on ElfShaming

Oh, Dobbie. Not again.

Elf submitted by The Bearded Iris. Find it on the Baby Rabies #InappropriateElf contest, as well!

Billy is a Thief & a Narc

Billy the Elf never stops moving.

And no, I don’t mean “moving from shelf to shelf spreading holiday cheer.”

I mean the little bastard won’t stop getting into trouble long enough to capture and cage.

First, he arrived late.

Thanks for breaking the kids’ hearts, Billy.

Then he literally swept Barbie off her feet, installing a zip line in the dining room and rushing her straight to his waterbed in the china cabinet.

Thanks for leaving nail marks in the walls, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Zip Line with Barbie on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he rolled off Barbie and took off on a stolen motorcycle, leaving her with a broken heart. 

Thanks for the tire skid marks on the hardwood floors, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Motorcycle on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he broke into five-year-old Valerie’s bedroom, discovered her secret candy stash, photographed the evidence to get her in trouble, and ate it all.

Thanks for taking your Narc duties a bit too far, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Candy on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Anyone have a tranquilizer gun we can borrow for a night or two (or fourteen)?

Elf submitted by Val Perez.
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Elfie Thinks He’s Scarface

Wendy is very, very busy.

She has a family, responsibilities – she’s even a food blogger! It’s not like the woman can always keep her eye on her elf!

But ohhh what an elf she has.

On Thanksgiving morning as Wendy unwrapped the turkey to begin preparations for a festive feast, guess who arrived in Bad Elf fashion?

Elfie Arrives on @ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien #turkey
Did somebody say “stuffing”?

Before the kids could see anything, Wendy yanked Elfie out of his hidey-hole and begged him to be better behaved. He’s supposed to be setting a good example for the children, right?

Yet as soon as she turned her back on him, he was dipping into the booze and rubbers…as well as the Barbies.

Elfie enjoys tequila and condoms on ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien
Was it as good for you two as it was for me?

Oh, Elfie!

One can understand the little fella getting lonely after 11 months away in the clink North Pole, so Wendy tried to forgive his sexual antics. She gave him another chance.

And guess what he did with that chance?

Scarface Elfie does cocaine on @ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien
Oh no.

Blow.

Yep, Scarface Elfie was caught snorting coke with a couple of princesses, a tea kettle, a snuggly critter on Ecstasy, and a very, very paranoid Smurf.

At this point you just gotta roll with the punches, and hope next year you get a better-behaved elf.

Good luck, Wendy. I think you’re gonna need it.

Elf submitted by Wendy Bentien. Follow her on Facebook.
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She’s No Angel

Alf the Elf is a good Elf during his days at the Hatton House. He does his elfy duties with nary a smirk.

But when the sun sets and After Hours Alf comes alive…it’s a whole different story.

Once the adults of the house are asleep, Alf gets his groove on with Angel the Tree Topper.

Sure, she exudes innocence with her golden locks and blushing countenance – but don’t let that fool you. She dominates their relationship, forcing her filthy ways on the impressionable Alf. He feels dirty obeying her commands, but he likes it. He likes it A LOT.

Alf’s excuse is that their complicated relationship only lasts one month a year, so, really, how can it possibly hurt to embrace the kink while he can?

NurseMommyLaughs on ElfShaming

Elf submitted by Stacey Hatton of NurseMommyLaughs.
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Shirley, You Jest!

It seems the Canadians can’t get their elves to behave, either.

I recently received the following letter from an ElfShaming fan:

Dear ElfShaming,

After gambling and pole dancing – she even pretended to be Miley Cyrus on the wrecking ball – Shirley the Elf has reached a new low. I found her stretched out among the empty wine bottles with a mysterious white powder on her nose – along with a note from Rob Ford, the illustrious Mayor of Toronto.

Shirley the Elf on ElfShaming

I have done the responsible thing and sent her to rehab before Santa needs her to report to duty.

Sincerely,
Patti Millar

P.S.
Please pray for me. She’s a bad, bad elf.

*sigh*

I have a feeling the mayor’s “maybe once” stance on crack may apply to Elves, as well.

Elf submitted by Patti Millar
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Not every Elf Deserves a Second Chance

Many elves misbehaved last year.

(Many, MANY elves.)

Lots of you hoped your naughty elves learned their lessons, and gave them a second chance to make better decisions this time around.

Like Amy.

Her elf Gertie had an innocent face she whole-heartedly trusted when her family received her as a gift in 2012, and yet she turned out to be an illicit seductress. Amy punished her accordingly, and put her back in her box in the attic for the next 11 months.

Gertie the Elf vowed this year would be different, so Amy let her back out.

Seeing the mass of ingredients strewn about the kitchen for a feast, Gertie even volunteered to help make Thanksgiving dinner with her capable, fingerless hands.

But the moment her gaze lit upon that pasty white foul, It. Was. Over. She could not resist sliding herself inside the biggest body cavity she’d ever dreamed of.

And yes, it’s true: She brought her own pound of butter to ease her way in…

And out…

And back in…

And out again…

Amy could do nothing but hang her head in shame, then send me in the evidence of Gertie the Elf’s excitement.

Gertie the Turkey Lovin Elf on ElfShaming by AmyKalasunas

It just goes to show, not every elf deserves a second chance.

Bad, bad Gertie! Off to Free Clinic you go…

Elf submitted by Amy Kalasunas. 
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