Choppy Elfie is a Lazy S.O.B.

A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.

You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.

Not. The case.

Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.

Oh! The possibilities!

Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.

But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.

He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.

We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.

How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.

This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.

Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…

Elf submitted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
You want to buy her book. Trust me: you’ll laugh.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Repositioning the Elves

Some Elves shouldn’t be left home alone.

Also? Some Elf Owners shouldn’t be left home alone.

Instead of finishing all those home projects that have been lingering for ages, updating his will, or researching new manscaping devices, Midget Man of Steel got busy reading…

…the Kama Sutra sex position manual.

Then got busy finding his camera.

And gathering up his Elf on the Shelf buddies.

Sure, MidgetManofSteel should be ashamed of his perverse puppetry, but the elves were more than happy to go along with this little game. There was no will to bend, no persuading to do.

The Elves were very excited participants in this sick game of Show & Tell.

Very, very excited participants, the kinky bastards.

Which is why the Shelf Elf Kama Sutra post exists. Go ahead, take a look (if you’re over 18 years old, and a sick freak who likes Elves bending for pleasure).

Just know that if you enjoy it? You should be ashamed, too.

Elf submitted by Midget Man of Steel
Follow MMoS as @moooooog35 on Twitter.
He has a book coming out in January. It’s going to be very funny. For real.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Be Thankful That Your Elf on the Shelf…

Today is a day to be thankful.

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf didn’t steal the remote and delete all of your DVR settings, only to replace them with 200 hours of Will Farrell in Elf.

Who needs football and parades, when there’s movies on about my kinfolk?

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf hasn’t eaten all the Stove Top Stuffing, forcing you to borrow stale bread from the neighbors to make 3 batches from scratch the morning of Thanksgiving.

Carbo-loaded and drunk on organic chicken stock. What an embarrassment.

Thankful your Elf on the Shelf didn’t introduce himself to your Peaceful Pilgrim & nice Native American friend, only to seduce them into a menage a trois.

It’s fine that you all are getting along nicely…just not THAT nicely.

Photo submitted by EvilJoySpeaks, also on Facebook & Twitter.

Thankful your elf wasn’t overheard offering the Christmas decorations $10 in chocolate coins for a BJ, only to get threatened with cracked nuts. 

Well, at least he’s only mounting a star, and not an angel. That’s…something, right?

Finally, let’s be thankful that many of you don’t have the kind of elf that poops in your cereal, or if you do have a bad elf, that you a place to shame him or her here at ElfShaming.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

One Elf’s Hard Times

Ohhhh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…

At least you know when you’ve done wrong.

 

His story is a sad one that has the feel of a Charles Dickens tale mixed with grain alcohol and lace panties.

Johnny hated his job. He was caught under the influence one too many times. He fell on hard times, which did nothing to curtail his drinking. 

He did some things he shouldn’t have.

He got caught. There was a BIG scene. His wife found out.

Barbie tossed his ass out of the Dream House. His clothes, his fancy hats, his pride…everything was scattered on the front lawn.

He drank more. He wore her clothes, which he stole from the house when she was out grocery shopping one afternoon. He rarely showed up for work.

Johnny’s days were spent drinking. His nights were spent puking.
This was not the life Santa had hoped for him.

One morning he woke up in Barbie’s satin spangled house frock, reeking of rum and regret, and realized that it was up to him to make his life worth living again. It didn’t take magic to make him a Good Elf, it took courage.

He threw out all the spiked eggnog he had left in his rental apartment, and headed back home to his love, ready to reenact her favorite John Cusak movie scene in an attempt to win her back.

 Will Johnny keep up the cleaned-up act? Will Barbie forgive his drunken, philandering ways? 

Only time will tell. 

Elf submitted by Kate Horey of ThePushUpBlog

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Chucky’s Favorite Things

Chucky the Elf likes lots of things.

Some of the things he likes are a little rebellious.

Ohhhh….Chucky….

Others result in a behavior that is a bit more depraved.

Thank goodness he’s in a one-piece suit that zips in the back.

Having a seasonal preference isn’t something to be that ashamed of, but springing fresh wood each time an innocent mom strolls by definitely is. 

Let’s hope Chucky is able to keep his love at a distance this holiday season.

And by “love” I mean “rock hard elfish wiener”.

Elf submitted by Anna of MyLifeAndKids.com
Follow Anna on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Never Trust Bored Elves

Some elves don’t understand that trust must be earned.

Domestic Goddess is a lovely and giving person.

All she asked of her Elves was for them to wait patiently in the playroom until it was their time to come out for the holidays.

She trusted them.

*SIGH*

It didn’t go well. Click here to see how her (untrustworthy) Elves spent their leisure time.

I don’t mean to give away any spoilers, but it decidedly does not include doing charitable work or expanding their minds by reading classic literature.

Looks like someone’s going to end up being stored in a locked box after the holidays next time around…

Elf submitted by Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
Follow Domestic Goddess on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Johnny is a Bad Apple

Johnny is a complicated Elf.

A man of many tastes.

Some Elves quietly relax while in storage, catching up on rest for 11 months before the hectic 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas arrives. Sleeping, reading, rearranging his quarters in a green and red Rubbermaid bin…this is what Johnny should have been up to.

Not this guy. He’s a frisky one.

One may be tempted to cast judgement and say he was probably sewn naughty.

I tend to think that he was walking a righteous path up until his Naming Day. That was was this Nameless Elf was given the same moniker as a man who brought roadkill to his son’s Preschool pick-up, thinking the wee ones would enjoy the sight of flattened critter carcasses.

When someone’s named after the kind of bad-ass who travels with roadkill, you gotta expect him to experiment sexually and mingle with unsavory characters.

It’s like being bad was his destiny, and he’s just living up to the expectations. How can we possibly blame him for that?

Elf submitted by Allison of MotherhoodWTF?
Follow Allison on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Squirrel Isn’t Really an Elf (Shhh!)

Squirrel isn’t your typical Elf. Obviously. 

Because he’s a friggin’ squirrel.

“Cheap” or “Creative”? Let’s ask Pinterest…

Squirrel has a back story.

Quite possibly a completely bullshit story in an attempt to cover up the fact that squirrels aren’t really seen around The North Pole, but why get into frivolous details? This dude’s got bigger problems than geography.

Is he a bastard child? 

Not sure. But if the story below is true, then his mom’s pretty slutty. Which can be embarrassing, when your friends find out this sort of thing.

www.HollowTreeVentures.com

Maybe this blogger’s kids will respect an Elf-hat-donning squirrel.

Maybe not.

But at least Mom is trying to get a message of holiday cheer across. Or a woodland creature sex-gone-wrong message across.

One of those.

Happy Holidays!

Elf submitted by Robyn of Hollow Tree Ventures
Follow Robyn on FacebookTwitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Purvis the Huffing Pervert

“Purvis” the Elf? More like Pervert the Elf.

Don’t think that’s quite the Christmas Magic we’re supposed to be teaching our kids about.

Normally laundry rooms are where the dirty stuff goes to get clean.

Not in this house.

Huffing & hot pink panties have turned this squeaky-clean Elf into a filthy perv with a one-way ticket to Santa’s Dry Cleaning Detention Center. 

You might want to wear rubber gloves when packing him up, my dear. Who knows where his hands have been.

Actually…yeah. We know exactly where they’re been.

Elf submitted by Toulouse and Tonic
Follow T&T on Facebook &Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Sporticus Bangs Brobee

Sporticus the Elf should be ashamed of himself.

I’m watching your hands, Mister Sporticus. Very closely.

Last year he was up to no good in Signs Your Elf on the Shelf is on The Naughty List:
– buying Elf Apps without permission
– stealing prescription painkillers & chasing them down with Wild Turkey
– “losing” socks
– masturbating to Elf Porn
– knockin’ boots with Brobee

www.LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com 2011

Let’s hope he can keep his hands off the hooch and his Manhood away from the Yo Gabba Gabba plushies this holiday season.

The freak.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
Follow Kim on Facebook, TwitterPinterest & Google+.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.