Rambo Gets His Way

Rambo needs to learn that No Means No

Sweet, fluffy, reliable George was just laying around, minding his own business.

Then Rambo the Elf popped by out of nowhere.

Hey George. What’s up?

George smelled trouble, and tried to ignore him.

Rambo wouldn’t stand for The Cold Shoulder. He came a little closer. 

 Hey Handsome. Doggy want a bone?

George stood strong as long as he could. Then Rambo broke out the Big Guns:

How about a some bacon and a tummy rub? 

Now THAT was an offer Man’s Best Friend can’t refuse.

Rambo even hand-fed the persuaded pooch bits of crispy bacon, rendering him up for anything.

Who’s a good booooooy???

It didn’t take long before Rambo was taking full advantage of the situation, spooning that cute canine well into the night.

 Just don’t tell the cat, okay?

Elf submitted by Kerry of HouseTalkN.com
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Kirby the Elf Hates Coco the Kitty

Kirby the Elf on the Shelf isn’t exactly an animal lover.

Not that I blame him. 

Each night, Michele would put him in a new spot for her kids to discover the next day.

What she found instead, was evidence of Coco the Kitty gone wild.

Morning after morning, Michele would find Kirby on the floor, protecting his Elf Bits with his hands, hoping the evening of feline torture was over.

So it wasn’t a surprise when she eventually came across a very different kind of scene in her kitchen during feeding time.

No, it isn’t quite considered “The Holiday Spirit” to attempt to murder your furry tormentor with poison, but when an Elf is backed into a corner?

All bets are off.

Elf submitted by reader Michele.
Coco the Kitty wasn’t really poisoned.
Kirby the Elf is on probation anyway.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Jingle Helps Himself

Jingle doesn’t like to ask permission.

It’s fine for your Elf to help himself when you have a bowl of fruit set out for guests, or a candy jar teeming with peppermints for the taking.

It’s not fine when he starts swiping your A.M. Life Blood.

NOOOOOO!!! NOT THE STARBUCKS!!!

To add insult to injury, he skips the formality of drinking the coffee from a cup.

Now that’s just gross.

Not ones to give up their caffeine addiction over a few stray Elf hairs on their Keurig machine, the Fordevilles let Jingle get away with this behavior.

They were lax.

They lost their focus.

They forgot about the booze in the fridge.

Now it’s Fancy Coffee Cocktails every day for Jingle. All day long.

So each morning, the Fordevilles find him passed out in a new spot. Which isn’t very magical, if you really think about it.

At this rate, Jingle is headed either for eBay at a very deep discount, or rehab.

Elf submitted by Kim of The Fordeville Diaries
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elf on the Shelf at Target

Jenn needed to run a simple errand: Shopping at Target.

She wasn’t expecting a pint-sized magical plush helper to tag along.

This unnamed girlie Elf hopped into Jenn’s cart as she passed by. Being an open-minded gal with things to do, Jenn didn’t say much of anything.

She even overlooked a little trouble-making in the holiday aisle.

Then things started getting personal. Like, Mean Girls, personal.

Not cool, you Arctic anarchist. Not. Cool.

Only two more stops before Jenn could loop back around to drop this feisty Elf off where she came from. If she only knew that Santa’s Helper would want to get innocent Target customers arrested for shoplifting, she would have kicked the Elf out right then and there!

It couldn’t possible get worse than jail time…could it?!

Before Elf could do any more harm, Jenn grabbed her prescription from the Pharmacist while dashing back to the Elf on the Shelf display, ridding herself of her unscrupulous passenger for good.

Little did she know, there was one last trick up the Elf’s scarlet sleeve.

Let’s hope that Jenn figures this one out before it’s too late. 

 

Elf submitted by Jenn of Something Clever 2.0
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Soiling a Respectable Scrabble Board

There is nothing wrong with an Elf on the Shelf playing games. 

However…

We’d just hope that these Elves are playing appropriate games.

In an appropriate way.

This little guy was discovered in front of a Scrabble board.

That, in itself, was not the problem. 

The problem was that he was playing a late night game of Strip Scrabble with Dora the Explorer and Baby Alive.

Clearly, spelling is not Baby Alive’s strong suit.

And even though Scrabble is typically seen as an intellectual’s game, this cerebral Elf insisted on tawdry tile placement and the kind of language that respectable dolls like Dora should not be familiar with.

True gamers may have the desire to compliment his ability to stick to a theme and keep hitting those Double Word Scores. But that’s not the point, people. 

The point is that two innocent dolls were lured into the kind of Game Night that starts with popcorn and pleasantries, but ends with Fifty Shades of Grey-type experimentation with riding crops and safety words.

This is one filthy-minded trickster of an Elf who deserves to be locked out of all game closets for the foreseeable future. Starting? Now.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Gertie the Elf Lowers Her Standards

Gertie is a weak Elf on the Shelf.

A well-meaning aunt brought Gertie the Elf to the Kalasunas home, thinking she would incite innocent joy to the hearts of everyone there.

Little did she know, that home was teeming with the heat of Finney the Evilly Seductive Guinea Pig. 

Santa’s orders were for Gertie to spread holiday magic.

That’s not exactly what she spread.

Mama Kalasunas heard the tell-tale 70s porno music and knew there was trouble. She searched everywhere for Gertie, but it was too late.

Finney liked it so he put his little pig in it.

Then Gertie tossed her hair like Beyonce and went back for more the next night. And the night after that. Then the night after that.

Oh, Gertie. We expected so much more out of you then to become some furry fiend’s booty call. Santa is not going to be happy when he hears about this.

Elf submitted by Amy Kalasunas, via Facebook. 
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Natalie & Sneaky: Two Peas in a Pod

Don’t they look just so CUTE together?

Don’t be fooled. 

Natalie has been known to come down with a little Beiber Fever.

Also? Sneaky has a gun. AND HIS NAME IS “SNEAKY.”

An innocent smile often hides unspeakable deeds. Multiply that times two, throw in a gun-wielding fella and his swinging lady friend, and who knows what they’re up to after dark?

I sure as heck don’t want to hear about it. I’d like to keep my innocence.

Elf submitted by Maria Cal, @RiaCal on Twitter
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

That’s NOT the Bathroom

I’m feeling a bit queasy this morning.

All I wanted was my usual bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast. 

I sleepily stumbled into the kitchen, swung open the cabinet and found Sporticus the Elf reading the paper and using my box of cereal for…. *barfs in mouth*

Was I chewing Raisins or Elf Poo all week? I’ll never know.

What I do know, is that the child locks have been reinstalled on all cabinets, and I no longer eat my favorite kind of cereal.

Breakfast? Ruined.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

An International Agreement

New Zealand will never be the same.

You see, there is no such thing as The Elf on the Shelf in New Zealand. 

But Mummy is an international gal, so she asked Santa to send someone to her house. She couldn’t be the only one of her blog friends to be Elf-less!

Alas, Ken arrived to do the job in his smart khakis and glorious smile.

It didn’t take long for Mummy and her kids to realize that Ken had issues.

Confidence issues.

Ken never thought he’d be as pretty as a real Elf, so at night he’d sneak into the lacey bits and bobs in Mummy’s underwear drawer or dig into the dollhouse for a little dress-up.

Ken had always wanted to be a redhead.

At first Mummy and clan were horrified…until they realized that they could blackmail Ken into sending only “Nice” reports back to the big guy in the red suit each evening.

Sure, Mummy’s undies now smell of self-tanner and lost dreams, but it’s a small price to pay for a month’s worth of good reports and a tree bursting with gifts on Christmas morning.

Elf submitted by Wub Boo Mummy
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elfy Kept His Eyes Open

Elfy couldn’t help himself.

Eyes. Wide. OPEN.

Happy little Elfy was perched on JD’s bedroom dresser so she wouldn’t forget to get him ready for the holidays.

But she did forget.

Then she got busy. Busy busy, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Being that Elfy’s eyes are permanently fixed wide, wide open, he couldn’t help but witness a bit of human carnal action right there in front of him. He had no choice!

As for the thrilled grin on his face? That’s alllllll Elfy. Naughty boy.

Elf submitted by JD of Honest Mom
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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.