Winter is Coming

Someone has been spending a little too much time streaming old episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ when he should be keeping an eye on the kids.

That wouldn’t be quite so bad (heck, we all love a good binge-watching, right?) if he wasn’t also creating messy landscapes in the kitchen that Ashley has to clean up every day.

GOT Elf by Ashley Fuchs on ElfShaming

Sure, it was just in time for the Winter Solstice–bonus points for good timing–but, still. CUT IT OUT WITH THE FAKE SNOW, ELFY.

Elf submitted by The Malleable Mom. Follow Ashely on Twitter.
Want your elf to be featured on ElfShaming? Here’s how.

Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

Elizabeth is Just a B*tch

Amy’s adorable 7-year-old daughter was tickled pink when she lost a tooth!

Her loving parents cleaned it up and helped her tuck it under her pillow.  That night she dreamed sweet dreams of a glittering Tooth Fairy plucking the enameled gift and replacing it with cash before flying off to whatever magical place they go to at night.

But things didn’t turn out as expected.

elizabeth is just a btch by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth the Elf knew what was going down–I mean, it is her job, after all–and snuck into the little girl’s bedroom before the last of the fairy dust landed softly on the carpet. Luckily, her task was intercepted by Amy and evidence was taken at the scene:

That Elf is NOT the Tooth Fairy by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth not only stole the little girl’s Tooth Fairy money, she ALSO nabbed her favorite purple marker to write a note that simply stated, “I’ll take that.”

WHO DOES THIS?

A total bitch. That’s who does it.

Shame on you, Elizabeth. Shame. On. You.

Want your elf to be featured on ElfShaming? Here’s how.

Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

He Knows Too Much

I have a naughty little elf of another sort visiting me today, while I round up the tiny felty ones who seem to have scattered around here…somewhere. Enjoy!


He Knows too Much by Peyton Price on ElfShaming

by Peyton Price

I’m pretty much shameless about Christmas. I put lights on all four sides of the house the day after Thanksgiving and set a timer to keep them on from 4:30 pm to 11:30 pm every night. I march my family back and forth across acres of trees to find the perfect 12-footer, then cover it with so many decorations you’d never even know it was a real tree. I send paper cards with real handwriting on the card and the envelope. I’m a regular Cindy Lou Who.

So, it might surprise you to hear there are some Christmas moments I’m not proud of. Ones I want to deny ever happened. The trouble is, there’s a witness to these events. A tiny witness who knows too much. He knows about me:

  • Screaming at the kids to “Stay out of the @#$%^& Christmas cookies, for %^&* sake!”
  • Fast forwarding through those two weird songs in the middle of White Christmas.
  • Wrapping up a pair of vases because I broke the third one and don’t have time for this shizz.
  • Hanging my husband’s favorite ornament on the back of the tree, at shin level.
  • Doing what I did to that box of Godiva chocolates, aka seven minutes in heaven.
  • Saying “WHOA” at photo card pubescents.
  • Plucking a dog hair out of the cookie dough.
  • Uttering all seven dirty words that year I bought the cheapo foil wrapping paper.
  • Telling the postal worker there were no liquids in that package of maple syrup.
  • Making everyone wait to open presents until my face is mattified.

Now that I see this naughty list, I realize I can’t take the risk he’ll rat me out to the big man. So I guess this means it’s Christmas curtains for you-know-who. Mum’s the word.


Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her spreading good cheer (or in the closet weeping) and at suburbanhaiku.com.

Her little hardcover book makes the perfect holiday or hostess gift for everyone on your list. See my review of it on Amazon, or click on the image below to learn more:

Want your elf to be featured on ElfShaming? Here’s how.
Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

Revenge is a Dish Served Cold Turkey

Thanksgiving was last week. Wasn’t it delicious?

I thought so!

But Elizabeth wouldn’t know.

Because Elizabeth wasn’t invited to the family feast in her home.

How well did she take the snub?

Thanksgiving Revenge on ElfShaming by Amy Mayo

Um.

Errr.

You could say “not well.”

Thanksgiving Revenge by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Note to self: do not piss off Elizabeth the Elf.

If you do so, she will quietly rip the heads off all the turkeys in the house and litter your kitchen with feathers of revenge.

It. Ain’t. Pretty.

See you next Thanksgiving, Elizabeth!

I PINKY PROMISE YOU WILL BE INVITED.

(Because you are one creepy little f*cker.)

Elf submitted by Amy Effing Mayo.
Want your elf to be featured on ElfShaming? Here’s how.

Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

There is a BIG Difference

Acronyms confuse people.

I admit that I Googled “NSFW” the first time I saw it, and sometimes need to refer to a cheat sheet to understand what people are saying on The Twitter.

But when it comes to MILF vs MELF? I’m not sure how people can not know that these are two VERY different things.

MELF on the shelf vs MILF on the shelf on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

First, the MILF on the Shelf. Usually not an actual elf, often seen in last night’s party dress, or a push-up bra before 3pm. Known to most who see her as a “Mom I’d Like to F…” well, you know how that goes. Almost always wearing mascara. And if she ended up on the shelf? She should probably be ashamed of herself for whatever she did that landed her there.

By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.
By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.

On the other hand, we have MELF on the Shelf. Usually discovered in the wee hours of the morning, often seen in last night’s pajamas climbing up onto shelves to put the real Elf on the Shelf in a new spot where the kids can’t reach it. Known to Santa as a “Mom Elf” for doing so much watching of the kids before Christmas. Almost always clutching a cup of coffee. And when you find her on a shelf? You should probably help her down, or at least distract the kids before they catch her moving that damn elf at the last minute again.

MELF on the Shelf by Kim Bongiorno on ElfShaming with ElfOnTheShelf

Sure, I guess a MILF can technically be a MELF–but I bet they don’t look very MILF-like while MELFing.

And I’m pretty sure there are both DILFs and DELFs out there, too. Now that I’d like to see.

While I ponder all this, please take a moment to enjoy some other elftasticness on web, courtesy of NickMom, such as:

The Elf Creepiness Chart – Who’s worse: Clay Aiken or Hermey?

The 6 Weirdest Locations for the Elf on the Shelf – Really? An OVEN??

The Elf on the Shelf 2013 Pop Culture Edition – LOLOLOL

Want your elf to be featured on ElfShaming? Here’s how.

Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

The Kind of Shining You ABSOLUTELY Do Not Want on Your Tree

It’s a good thing we’re getting some time off for the holidays, because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

And by that I mean OMG LOOK OUT HE HAS AN AXE!

Elf on the Shelf The Shining on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

The funny thing is that this doesn’t look too scary if you haven’t seen the movie. But if you have seen it? I’m truly sorry for making you piddle your pants and fear your upcoming hotel stay.

Then again, maybe playtime isn’t always as fun as it could be?

The Shining Twins on ElfShaming

Have any other favorite scenes from The Shining? Send them my way. I love them all in the “I will never sleep again” sort of way.

Like this? Follow ElfShaming on Facebook and Twitter.
For all the ElfShaming posts and more of what Kim Bongiorno writes, subscribe to her Sunday newsletter.

Insane in the Elf Brain

Everyone hopes they’ll get The Best Elf Ever each holiday season.

Maybe one with a sweet face and festive, jingly outfit!!!

What’s important to understand is that yes, elves come in all shapes, sizes, and colors…but it doesn’t matter what they look like – or how adorably innocent they appear to be. 

They will always get into trouble.

Insane, but true, facts about elves: 

1. They will always raid the candy and snack cabinet.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got the Candy on ElfShaming

2. They will always try to swim in your marshmallows.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf swims in marshmallows on ElfShaming

3. They will always find their way into your liquor cabinet (and sombrero wall hangings).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got into the booze on ElfShaming

4. They will always read your porn on the potty (and probably not flush afterwards).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf reads porn on the potty on ElfShaming

5. They will always twerk The Biebs, if given the opportunity. 

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf twerks Justin Bieber on ElfShaming


So, really: TRUST NONE OF THEM.

Even “The Best Elf Ever” is insane in the elf brain. They just can’t help themselves.

(And you should probably lock up your Biebster at least ’til the New Year.)

Today’s Elf is Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain. She likes to raise money for good causes, like kids with cancer. You can help her do just that right here. I already did!
Follow Patti on her blog and Facebook.
Want to submit an elf? Email it to ElfShaming@Gmail.com

Billy is a Thief & a Narc

Billy the Elf never stops moving.

And no, I don’t mean “moving from shelf to shelf spreading holiday cheer.”

I mean the little bastard won’t stop getting into trouble long enough to capture and cage.

First, he arrived late.

Thanks for breaking the kids’ hearts, Billy.

Then he literally swept Barbie off her feet, installing a zip line in the dining room and rushing her straight to his waterbed in the china cabinet.

Thanks for leaving nail marks in the walls, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Zip Line with Barbie on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he rolled off Barbie and took off on a stolen motorcycle, leaving her with a broken heart. 

Thanks for the tire skid marks on the hardwood floors, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Motorcycle on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he broke into five-year-old Valerie’s bedroom, discovered her secret candy stash, photographed the evidence to get her in trouble, and ate it all.

Thanks for taking your Narc duties a bit too far, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Candy on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Anyone have a tranquilizer gun we can borrow for a night or two (or fourteen)?

Elf submitted by Val Perez.
Want to submit an elf of your own? Email ElfShaming@Gmail.com.

This Bad Elf Likes Cabernet

All Jessica wanted to do after a long day with the kids and work was sit down with a nice glass of wine.

But two bottles of her favorite Cabernet were missing!

How could that be!?!

A thirsty elf on @ElfShaming via @JessBWatson Elf on the Shelf

Oh, Jingle Flower. Did you think she wouldn’t notice?

You naughty, drunken elf. Back to the North Pole you go!

(You might want to take a few Tylenol with you for the trip, little guy.)

Elf submitted by Jessica Watson of Four Plus an Angel.
Follow her on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest.
Want to submit an elf of your own? Email ElfShaming@Gmail.com.

Hermie & the Ariel Twins

Hermie thought he was the luckiest Elf in the world.

Twins!

He talked Ariel and Ariel into meeting him in the tub, slipped between them, and gave the girls his signature suggestive-eyebrow-wiggle.

ChristyP on @ElfShaming #ElfOnTheShelf

Hermie: So…what do you say I turn off the jacuzzi and let you ladies have your way with me?

Ariel One: This isn’t a jacuzzi. We had huge black bean & onion burritos for dinner.

Ariel Two: PBBBBBLLT!!! ‘Scuse me, I tooted. Again. Tee hee hee! Bubbles!

Moment? OVER. 

And that’s what you get when you try to trick a pair of innocent princesses into some naughty shenanigans, Mister Hermie. That’s. What. You. Get.

Elf submitted by Christy P.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.