Amy’s adorable 7-year-old daughter was tickled pink when she lost a tooth!
Her loving parents cleaned it up and helped her tuck it under her pillow. That night she dreamed sweet dreams of a glittering Tooth Fairy plucking the enameled gift and replacing it with cash before flying off to whatever magical place they go to at night.
But things didn’t turn out as expected.
Elizabeth the Elf knew what was going down–I mean, it is her job, after all–and snuck into the little girl’s bedroom before the last of the fairy dust landed softly on the carpet. Luckily, her task was intercepted by Amy and evidence was taken at the scene:
Elizabeth not only stole the little girl’s Tooth Fairy money, she ALSO nabbed her favorite purple marker to write a note that simply stated, “I’ll take that.”
WHO DOES THIS?
A total bitch. That’s who does it.
Shame on you, Elizabeth. Shame. On. You.
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I have a naughty little elf of another sort visiting me today, while I round up the tiny felty ones who seem to have scattered around here…somewhere. Enjoy!
by Peyton Price
I’m pretty much shameless about Christmas. I put lights on all four sides of the house the day after Thanksgiving and set a timer to keep them on from 4:30 pm to 11:30 pm every night. I march my family back and forth across acres of trees to find the perfect 12-footer, then cover it with so many decorations you’d never even know it was a real tree. I send paper cards with real handwriting on the card and the envelope. I’m a regular Cindy Lou Who.
So, it might surprise you to hear there are some Christmas moments I’m not proud of. Ones I want to deny ever happened. The trouble is, there’s a witness to these events. A tiny witness who knows too much. He knows about me:
Screaming at the kids to “Stay out of the @#$%^& Christmas cookies, for %^&* sake!”
Fast forwarding through those two weird songs in the middle of White Christmas.
Wrapping up a pair of vases because I broke the third one and don’t have time for this shizz.
Hanging my husband’s favorite ornament on the back of the tree, at shin level.
Doing what I did to that box of Godiva chocolates, aka seven minutes in heaven.
Saying “WHOA” at photo card pubescents.
Plucking a dog hair out of the cookie dough.
Uttering all seven dirty words that year I bought the cheapo foil wrapping paper.
Telling the postal worker there were no liquids in that package of maple syrup.
Making everyone wait to open presents until my face is mattified.
Now that I see this naughty list, I realize I can’t take the risk he’ll rat me out to the big man. So I guess this means it’s Christmas curtains for you-know-who. Mum’s the word.
Her little hardcover book makes the perfect holiday or hostess gift for everyone on your list. See my review of it on Amazon, or click on the image below to learn more:
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I admit that I Googled “NSFW” the first time I saw it, and sometimes need to refer to a cheat sheet to understand what people are saying on The Twitter.
But when it comes to MILF vs MELF? I’m not sure how people can not know that these are two VERY different things.
First, the MILF on the Shelf. Usually not an actual elf, often seen in last night’s party dress, or a push-up bra before 3pm. Known to most who see her as a “Mom I’d Like to F…” well, you know how that goes. Almost always wearing mascara. And if she ended up on the shelf? She should probably be ashamed of herself for whatever she did that landed her there.
On the other hand, we have MELF on the Shelf. Usually discovered in the wee hours of the morning, often seen in last night’s pajamas climbing up onto shelves to put the real Elf on the Shelf in a new spot where the kids can’t reach it. Known to Santa as a “Mom Elf” for doing so much watching of the kids before Christmas. Almost always clutching a cup of coffee. And when you find her on a shelf? You should probably help her down, or at least distract the kids before they catch her moving that damn elf at the last minute again.
Sure, I guess a MILF can technically be a MELF–but I bet they don’t look very MILF-like while MELFing.
And I’m pretty sure there are both DILFs and DELFs out there, too. Now that I’d like to see.
While I ponder all this, please take a moment to enjoy some other elftasticness on web, courtesy of NickMom, such as: