Winter is Coming

Someone has been spending a little too much time streaming old episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ when he should be keeping an eye on the kids.

That wouldn’t be quite so bad (heck, we all love a good binge-watching, right?) if he wasn’t also creating messy landscapes in the kitchen that Ashley has to clean up every day.

GOT Elf by Ashley Fuchs on ElfShaming

Sure, it was just in time for the Winter Solstice–bonus points for good timing–but, still. CUT IT OUT WITH THE FAKE SNOW, ELFY.

Elf submitted by The Malleable Mom. Follow Ashely on Twitter.
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Insane in the Elf Brain

Everyone hopes they’ll get The Best Elf Ever each holiday season.

Maybe one with a sweet face and festive, jingly outfit!!!

What’s important to understand is that yes, elves come in all shapes, sizes, and colors…but it doesn’t matter what they look like – or how adorably innocent they appear to be. 

They will always get into trouble.

Insane, but true, facts about elves: 

1. They will always raid the candy and snack cabinet.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got the Candy on ElfShaming

2. They will always try to swim in your marshmallows.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf swims in marshmallows on ElfShaming

3. They will always find their way into your liquor cabinet (and sombrero wall hangings).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got into the booze on ElfShaming

4. They will always read your porn on the potty (and probably not flush afterwards).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf reads porn on the potty on ElfShaming

5. They will always twerk The Biebs, if given the opportunity. 

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf twerks Justin Bieber on ElfShaming


So, really: TRUST NONE OF THEM.

Even “The Best Elf Ever” is insane in the elf brain. They just can’t help themselves.

(And you should probably lock up your Biebster at least ’til the New Year.)

Today’s Elf is Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain. She likes to raise money for good causes, like kids with cancer. You can help her do just that right here. I already did!
Follow Patti on her blog and Facebook.
Want to submit an elf? Email it to ElfShaming@Gmail.com

These Elves Made the Most of Their Last Weekend of Freedom

They knew the end was near.

The Elf End is Near on @ElfShaming

And we’re not talking about the Mayan End-of-the-World thing.

The elves knew that this was the last weekend before Christmas. So they did what they do best.

GOT COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Wayne & Billy went to a cabin in Big Bear with their cousins, partying hard with Barbie and one of those whorish Monster High Dolls.

Elves submitted by Val Perez.
Elves submitted by Val Perez.

But he wasn’t the only one into drugs and booze…

Elf submitted by Melinda F.
Elf submitted by Melinda F.

Blink the Elf surrounded himself with all the Holiday Ladies of the house, talking them into a one-man “celebration.”

Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.
Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.

Henry refused to leave the bar even ONCE to check on the kids.

Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.
Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.

Bob tried to get himself kicked out of the North Pole.

Elf submitted by Jodi.
Elf submitted by Jodi via Facebook.

This guy became a Chippendales dancer.

Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.
Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.

Some cracked open their owners’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and put it to the test.

Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.

 There’s many, many, MANNNNNNY more where that came from. 

But at this point? I’m getting downright disgusted at all this debauchery.

Damn elves.

Elf submitted via email & Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Three Strikes & You’re Out, Scout!

Scout doesn’t follow the rules. 

Elf Arrested on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no writing on the walls.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Graffiti on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

He was told there was to be no stealing nail polish, and definitely no painting people’s toenails as they slept. Especially boys.

He didn’t listen.

Elf Pedicure on @ElfShaming by Rachel B

When he was told no ice sculptures in the freezer, he didn’t listen, and so qualified for the Three Strikes Rule. Which, of course, landed him in lock-up.

Elf MugShot on @ElfShaming by RachelB

I doubt Santa will send Scout out again next year, considering he now has a rap sheet.

Way to ruin a perfectly good Elfing career, Scout.

Elf submitted by Rachel B of Roscoe, IL.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

This Elf on the Shelf is Annoying

Skippy’s smile doesn’t hide a damn thing.

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming #elfontheshelf

Mary Ann’s Elf on the Shelf, Skippy, is annoying. Plain and simple.

Does he encourage the kids to clean up? Not at all. In fact, he encourages them to throw expensive 2-ply TP all over the house!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Toilet Paper

Does he help with the decorating? Not a chance. He’s too busy hiding the stockings and replacing them with underpants to assist in hanging the lights on the tree!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Skippy Underwear

Is he a good role model? Are you kiddin’ me? He doesn’t exercise, he eats marshmallow kebabs for breakfast!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming marshmallows

Does he make her morning easier? No way, no how, no sir. Unless you think packing the kids’ lunch boxes with dog food, raw unwashed potatos, and jars of coriander trims tasks off Mary Ann’s To Do List!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming

At least Skippy’s visit will be over soon. Just not soon enough. 

Elf submitted by Mary Ann of TurboKickNJ.com.
Follow Mary Ann on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

An Elf on the Shelf Party…and the Aftermath

Some people love the Elf on the Shelf.

Then Holy Christmas Pudding on a Poppyseed Cracker do other people LOVE the Elf on the Shelf with the deep burning passion of a thousand crackling fireplaces.

Audrey is one of the latter. She has many elves.

Many, many, many elves.

I’ve been getting to know her elves pretty well. Let’s call it “Elvestigative Reporting”, shall we?

Oh yes, we shall.

Anyway.

Did you know that some Elves like to party? Audrey’s elves do. And they make it look sooooooooo cuuuuuuuute.

 

OMG I TOTALLY WANT TO BE AN ELF RIGHT NOW.

Tiny Elf Cake Pops?

Itty Bitty Elf Oven Mitts for baking Teenie Weenie Elf Cookies?

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[passes out from cuteness]

[wakes up with glitter sprinkled on my shirt to the distinct odor of candy canes]

Okay. Where was I?

Oh yeah: Audrey’s Elves are frickin’ adorable to the max.

BUT…

(there’s always a “but” around here)

…even the adorable ones can be trouble.

You see, since I was spending so much time with this festive felty gang, they got used to my being around. Sure, I’m over five feet taller than them, but it was like I was one of them.

They got comfortable. Let me see the other side of them.

The frisky side.

An Elf party starts innocently enough. How it ends is a whole different story.

Once Audrey turns her back on the red & white-clad gang to tuck her kids in for the night, their real personalities come out swinging. Literally.

The sun sets, and they break out the T.P.

Not even the baby is safe from their rowdy wrath.

Nary a cookie or cupcake in the house is off-limits.

And you know what you can’t stop from happening once Mack and Miss Bliss get revved up on a sugar high, right?

A major snogging session. No mistletoe required.

I think that’s enough evidence to prove my point that no Elf, no matter how adorable or innocent-looking, is truly never a troublemaker. 

So before yours packs up to go back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve, you might want to check his bags, okay?

You just never know what those sneaky sons-of-guns may have slipped in there.

Elves submitted by Audrey of Sweet Cheeks Tasty Treats.
She has loads of Elf Awesomeness HERE & HERE.
Follow Audrey on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

The “Not Me!” Mystery? SOLVED.

Strange things were happening at Kathy’s house.

She’d look to her four sons and ask them who left the lights on again, who made the mess, who ate the snacks, who broke another ornament.

Each time they’d all answer “Not me!”

This scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it?

Recently, Elfie Oodle had arrived at her home, and she’d ask him whether he knew anything about the trouble going on. His sweet smile made her think he was an innocent bystander with no details to give.

Then she got wise to his ways.

She figured out who had the magic to fly up to those lights.

She heard fingerless hands digging when the boys were asleep.

She saw tiny yogurt footprints on the kitchen counter.

She knew her boys wouldn’t dare go near her vintage ornaments. 

The only thing she has left to figure out, is whether Elfie Oodle was the one causing the “Not me!” Trouble all these years, or if he can only be blamed for the recent rash of messes and mayhem.

I suspect kids across the globe are waiting with bated breath, hoping Elfie Oodle gets all the blame… 

Elf submitted by Kathy at Kissing the Frog.
Follow Kathy on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.