Choppy Elfie is a Lazy S.O.B.

A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.

You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.

Not. The case.

Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.

Oh! The possibilities!

Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.

But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.

He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.

We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.

How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.

This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.

Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…

Elf submitted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
You want to buy her book. Trust me: you’ll laugh.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

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Soiling a Respectable Scrabble Board

There is nothing wrong with an Elf on the Shelf playing games. 

However…

We’d just hope that these Elves are playing appropriate games.

In an appropriate way.

This little guy was discovered in front of a Scrabble board.

That, in itself, was not the problem. 

The problem was that he was playing a late night game of Strip Scrabble with Dora the Explorer and Baby Alive.

Clearly, spelling is not Baby Alive’s strong suit.

And even though Scrabble is typically seen as an intellectual’s game, this cerebral Elf insisted on tawdry tile placement and the kind of language that respectable dolls like Dora should not be familiar with.

True gamers may have the desire to compliment his ability to stick to a theme and keep hitting those Double Word Scores. But that’s not the point, people. 

The point is that two innocent dolls were lured into the kind of Game Night that starts with popcorn and pleasantries, but ends with Fifty Shades of Grey-type experimentation with riding crops and safety words.

This is one filthy-minded trickster of an Elf who deserves to be locked out of all game closets for the foreseeable future. Starting? Now.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

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