Elizabeth is Just a B*tch

Amy’s adorable 7-year-old daughter was tickled pink when she lost a tooth!

Her loving parents cleaned it up and helped her tuck it under her pillow.  That night she dreamed sweet dreams of a glittering Tooth Fairy plucking the enameled gift and replacing it with cash before flying off to whatever magical place they go to at night.

But things didn’t turn out as expected.

elizabeth is just a btch by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth the Elf knew what was going down–I mean, it is her job, after all–and snuck into the little girl’s bedroom before the last of the fairy dust landed softly on the carpet. Luckily, her task was intercepted by Amy and evidence was taken at the scene:

That Elf is NOT the Tooth Fairy by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Elizabeth not only stole the little girl’s Tooth Fairy money, she ALSO nabbed her favorite purple marker to write a note that simply stated, “I’ll take that.”

WHO DOES THIS?

A total bitch. That’s who does it.

Shame on you, Elizabeth. Shame. On. You.

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An Elf Bedtime Story

Pay close attention when your Elf is doing something “Nice.”

#ElfOnTheShelf Bedtime Stories on @ElfShaming

It may not be very appropriate…but at least it could be a sign of a pretty awesome sense of humor.

Go the F to Sleep on @ElfShaming PassionateNotPushy

I can’t blame Jenny from not interrupting the scene she recently came upon, starring her Elf, Skully, and her son.

When you have a 3-year-old who is a crappy sleeper, you’ll take what nighttime assistance (and laughs) you can.

Elf submitted by Jenny of Passionate Not Pushy.
Order the book Go the F**k to Sleep HERE.
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Dobbie Gives a Shit

Dobbie was the first Elf on the Shelf to kind of scare the bejeezus outta me.

I mean, he drank a lot and carried big knives when I first “met” him online last year. Reason enough, right?

He caught a bit of flack for his escapades from his host mom Leslie, of TheBeardedIris. She hid the knives. She reminded him of his duties as an official Elf on the Shelf.

She cried “Don’t you even give a shit, Dobbie?”

Not long after her plea, she discovered him doing just that. 

Of COURSE I give a shit. See?
I’ve been stinking up the joint for hours now.

Enough was enough!

Leslie put her foot down then and there: No more peeing his name in the faux snow, no more dirty Scrabble games with animals, and no more foul language.

Dobbie reluctantly agreed, drifting off to a corner shelf bedazzled with Christmas spirit, leaving a trail of magical sparkles in his wake.

A full 24 hours went by without incident. Dobbie did his job. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It was a Christmas Miracle! After over a decade of parenting, someone Leslie asked to behave actually did – WOO HOOOO!!!

She went to the fridge to assemble a celebratory cake, when that undersized imp appeared like a vision of assholery.

 Exactly. 

Well then. Maybe he’s not quite the good listener after all. 

I guess it’s back to a December spent hiding the booze and knives…

Elf submitted by Leslie of TheBeardedIris.com.
Her 1st Dobbie post ignited my love of naughty elves. 

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Elves Aren’t Supposed to do Taxidermy

Jenny should have seen this coming.

When The Bloggess brought an Elf on the Shelf into her home, all she asked for was a bit of controlled merriment for her kid.

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…when will you learn?

Of course the felted bitch went rogue.

It began with this:

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

I’m a fan of The Never Ending Story as much as the next 30-something-year-old. But shouldn’t that Elf spend her daylight hours doing what Jenny wants her to do?

For example, either sitting around judging the family like she was created to do, or ransacking the house for hidden drugs like she was asked to do

Instead of sitting or ransacking, this over-achieving Elf misread her instruction manual and took on a task. 

It didn’t take long for her to observe her owner’s love of all things (naturally) dead and stuffed. And sometimes in tasteful costume.

Refusing to leave the gift-giving up to Santa, this Elf got herself a steak knife from the kitchen and tried her (fingerless) hand at taxidermy. Unfortunately, she attempted this on the leather couch. 

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

Her intentions may have been in a good place. But her knife decidedly was not.

Next time, this little Dexter Morgan of upholstered furniture better leave the crafting to the professionals and just sit her skirted ass down where it belongs.

Even if that means another ride on a golden taxidermied hamster.

Elf submitted by Jenny of TheBloggess.com.
Buy her book. You will laugh obscenely. 

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Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Choppy Elfie is a Lazy S.O.B.

A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.

You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.

Not. The case.

Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.

Oh! The possibilities!

Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.

But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.

He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.

We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.

How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.

This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.

Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…

Elf submitted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
You want to buy her book. Trust me: you’ll laugh.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Soiling a Respectable Scrabble Board

There is nothing wrong with an Elf on the Shelf playing games. 

However…

We’d just hope that these Elves are playing appropriate games.

In an appropriate way.

This little guy was discovered in front of a Scrabble board.

That, in itself, was not the problem. 

The problem was that he was playing a late night game of Strip Scrabble with Dora the Explorer and Baby Alive.

Clearly, spelling is not Baby Alive’s strong suit.

And even though Scrabble is typically seen as an intellectual’s game, this cerebral Elf insisted on tawdry tile placement and the kind of language that respectable dolls like Dora should not be familiar with.

True gamers may have the desire to compliment his ability to stick to a theme and keep hitting those Double Word Scores. But that’s not the point, people. 

The point is that two innocent dolls were lured into the kind of Game Night that starts with popcorn and pleasantries, but ends with Fifty Shades of Grey-type experimentation with riding crops and safety words.

This is one filthy-minded trickster of an Elf who deserves to be locked out of all game closets for the foreseeable future. Starting? Now.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.