Adventures of Elfie Junkel

Elfie Junkel is quite the overachieving elf.

By that I mean dude is up to no good.

Adventures of Elfie Junkel on elfShaming

He has been caught…

…robbing a piggy bank.

Elf on the Shelf Piggy Bank Heist by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…luging in the living room.

Elf on the Shelf Luge by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…doing science experiments unsupervised. (Does he really think we believe him when he says he’s making snow?)

Elf on the Shelf Science Experiment by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

…taking a space mission in the boy’s bedroom to deliver freeze-dried ice cream for breakfast.

Elf on the Shelf Space Mission by Melissa Junkel on ElfShaming

And that’s only the beginning! This little guy is always up to something.

I don’t know how Ma Junkel hasn’t giving him a stern talking-to yet. Maybe because he’s adorable even while doing slightly criminal activity? Hm. Could be. It is hard to be angry when your elf is feeding your kid sweet space treats.

Want to see more of his antics? Visit his Pinterest board.

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7 Deady Elf Sins: Gluttony

From every Elf on the Shelf Pinterest board I’ve seen, it appeared that elves live on itty bitty elf donuts (with sprinkles) and the occasional marshmallow.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had been misled by Pinterest, yet again.

Yes, they enjoy sweets.

But they also enjoy the lamb chops I was saving for my husband, my kids’ favorite angus beef meatballs, and pinot noir…in very large quantities.

Who knew something so small – whose job it is to sit around all day watching kids – had such a massive appetite??

Back to the grocery store I go…

Elf on the Shelf 7 Deadly Elf Sins on ElfShaming

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The Gluten-Free Elf on the Shelf

Your Elf on the Shelf was sent to you by Santa to help remind the kids that he is watching.

These elves have a simple task: keep an eye on things, take notes, magically return to the North Pole each night, give a detailed and honest report to the thick guy in red velvet, and go back to his/her perch for another day of voyeurism. 

Did you notice the use of the phrase “detailed and honest report” in there?

Many elves pride themselves on their honesty and detail.

Others have an intolerance to gluten and are willing to overlook all sorts of Naughty List Behavior in exchange for some delicious gluten-free cookies and milk.

One such elf is Cocoa.

All it takes is a gluten-free bribe and Cocoa is willing to look the other way.

Gluten Free Elf on the Shelf on ElfShaming

You’re only letting yourself down, Cocoa.

Well, yourself and Santa Claus. 

For a cookie.

*sigh*

Elf submitted by Courtney of Our Small Moments.
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Billy is a Thief & a Narc

Billy the Elf never stops moving.

And no, I don’t mean “moving from shelf to shelf spreading holiday cheer.”

I mean the little bastard won’t stop getting into trouble long enough to capture and cage.

First, he arrived late.

Thanks for breaking the kids’ hearts, Billy.

Then he literally swept Barbie off her feet, installing a zip line in the dining room and rushing her straight to his waterbed in the china cabinet.

Thanks for leaving nail marks in the walls, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Zip Line with Barbie on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he rolled off Barbie and took off on a stolen motorcycle, leaving her with a broken heart. 

Thanks for the tire skid marks on the hardwood floors, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Motorcycle on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Then he broke into five-year-old Valerie’s bedroom, discovered her secret candy stash, photographed the evidence to get her in trouble, and ate it all.

Thanks for taking your Narc duties a bit too far, Billy.

Elf on the Shelf Candy on ElfShaming via Val Perez

Anyone have a tranquilizer gun we can borrow for a night or two (or fourteen)?

Elf submitted by Val Perez.
Want to submit an elf of your own? Email ElfShaming@Gmail.com.

The Elf on the Shelf that Ate the Shelf

Nicole Leigh Shaw had a wonderful time building a gingerbread house town with her four young kids.

They bonded!

They ate gumdrops!

Almost no one got a Time Out for hitting!

Hooray!

To celebrate their masterpiece, Nicole took the family out for hot cocoa. Mmm….cocoa…They entrusted their confection concoction to be watched by their trusty elf, Blinky.

Uh-oh. Blinky looks a bit peckish.

The Hungry Elf on ElfShaming via NicoleLeighShaw

Unfortunately, Blinky has no opposable thumbs with which to open the snack cabinet.

And he was hungry.

The Hungry Elf is not sorry on ElfShaming via NicoleLeighShaw

Very hungry.

The Elf on the Shelf is Eating the Shelf on ElfShaming via NicoleLeighShaw

By the time Nicole and her brood made it back, the damage was done.

Elf on the Shelf Aftermath on ElfShaming via NicoleLeighShaw

He didn’t just eat a gingerbread house, he ate an entire town

Blinky’s sugar high was too intense to allow him to apologize. He just sat there atop masticated rooftops and the leftover crumbs of window panes with a glazed look in his eyes and a full belly.

Maybe tomorrow when he poops out all the holiday spirit, he’ll realize the terrible thing he’s done.

Then again? Maybe not.

Elf submitted by writer/blogger extraordinaire, Nicole Leigh Shaw.
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This Elf on the Shelf is Annoying

Skippy’s smile doesn’t hide a damn thing.

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming #elfontheshelf

Mary Ann’s Elf on the Shelf, Skippy, is annoying. Plain and simple.

Does he encourage the kids to clean up? Not at all. In fact, he encourages them to throw expensive 2-ply TP all over the house!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Toilet Paper

Does he help with the decorating? Not a chance. He’s too busy hiding the stockings and replacing them with underpants to assist in hanging the lights on the tree!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming Skippy Underwear

Is he a good role model? Are you kiddin’ me? He doesn’t exercise, he eats marshmallow kebabs for breakfast!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming marshmallows

Does he make her morning easier? No way, no how, no sir. Unless you think packing the kids’ lunch boxes with dog food, raw unwashed potatos, and jars of coriander trims tasks off Mary Ann’s To Do List!

@turbokicknj on @elfshaming

At least Skippy’s visit will be over soon. Just not soon enough. 

Elf submitted by Mary Ann of TurboKickNJ.com.
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An Elf on the Shelf Party…and the Aftermath

Some people love the Elf on the Shelf.

Then Holy Christmas Pudding on a Poppyseed Cracker do other people LOVE the Elf on the Shelf with the deep burning passion of a thousand crackling fireplaces.

Audrey is one of the latter. She has many elves.

Many, many, many elves.

I’ve been getting to know her elves pretty well. Let’s call it “Elvestigative Reporting”, shall we?

Oh yes, we shall.

Anyway.

Did you know that some Elves like to party? Audrey’s elves do. And they make it look sooooooooo cuuuuuuuute.

 

OMG I TOTALLY WANT TO BE AN ELF RIGHT NOW.

Tiny Elf Cake Pops?

Itty Bitty Elf Oven Mitts for baking Teenie Weenie Elf Cookies?

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[passes out from cuteness]

[wakes up with glitter sprinkled on my shirt to the distinct odor of candy canes]

Okay. Where was I?

Oh yeah: Audrey’s Elves are frickin’ adorable to the max.

BUT…

(there’s always a “but” around here)

…even the adorable ones can be trouble.

You see, since I was spending so much time with this festive felty gang, they got used to my being around. Sure, I’m over five feet taller than them, but it was like I was one of them.

They got comfortable. Let me see the other side of them.

The frisky side.

An Elf party starts innocently enough. How it ends is a whole different story.

Once Audrey turns her back on the red & white-clad gang to tuck her kids in for the night, their real personalities come out swinging. Literally.

The sun sets, and they break out the T.P.

Not even the baby is safe from their rowdy wrath.

Nary a cookie or cupcake in the house is off-limits.

And you know what you can’t stop from happening once Mack and Miss Bliss get revved up on a sugar high, right?

A major snogging session. No mistletoe required.

I think that’s enough evidence to prove my point that no Elf, no matter how adorable or innocent-looking, is truly never a troublemaker. 

So before yours packs up to go back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve, you might want to check his bags, okay?

You just never know what those sneaky sons-of-guns may have slipped in there.

Elves submitted by Audrey of Sweet Cheeks Tasty Treats.
She has loads of Elf Awesomeness HERE & HERE.
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Shelley the Elf’s Bait-and-Switch

Everyone thinks Shelley is The Best. Elf. EVER.

But…

Sure, Tammy’s kids squealed with delight upon finding a gift from Shelley the good-natured Elf not long ago.

Celebrations were in order: The Elf on the Shelf was doing her job! The kids were being good! All was well and merry!

Tammy and her family were so pleased to have such a generous Elf on their hands. I mean, it’s not just any Elf that would be so generous as to get on Pinterest late at night for a recipe to create homemade snowman cookies, right?
That takes a kind, sweet, giving sort of Elf.

Hold on.

Speaking of giving…Who gave you the OK to eat those, Shelley??

Those aren’t for you! They were hidden in Mommy’s Secret High Cabinet for when the kids are asleep.

Bad elf! Don’t do that again!

[20 minutes later]

Oh, so you think you’re funny now? Stealing the kids’ favorite snack and pretending to fish with it?

Wasting all that food, just to pull a prank?

Not funny, Miss Elf. Not funny at all.

Now get your itty bitty felty booty back in the kitchen and bake up some more goodies to make up for this greedy gluttony, or I’m telling Santa. 

Elf submitted by Tammy.
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Dobbie Gives a Shit

Dobbie was the first Elf on the Shelf to kind of scare the bejeezus outta me.

I mean, he drank a lot and carried big knives when I first “met” him online last year. Reason enough, right?

He caught a bit of flack for his escapades from his host mom Leslie, of TheBeardedIris. She hid the knives. She reminded him of his duties as an official Elf on the Shelf.

She cried “Don’t you even give a shit, Dobbie?”

Not long after her plea, she discovered him doing just that. 

Of COURSE I give a shit. See?
I’ve been stinking up the joint for hours now.

Enough was enough!

Leslie put her foot down then and there: No more peeing his name in the faux snow, no more dirty Scrabble games with animals, and no more foul language.

Dobbie reluctantly agreed, drifting off to a corner shelf bedazzled with Christmas spirit, leaving a trail of magical sparkles in his wake.

A full 24 hours went by without incident. Dobbie did his job. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It was a Christmas Miracle! After over a decade of parenting, someone Leslie asked to behave actually did – WOO HOOOO!!!

She went to the fridge to assemble a celebratory cake, when that undersized imp appeared like a vision of assholery.

 Exactly. 

Well then. Maybe he’s not quite the good listener after all. 

I guess it’s back to a December spent hiding the booze and knives…

Elf submitted by Leslie of TheBeardedIris.com.
Her 1st Dobbie post ignited my love of naughty elves. 

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Hanukah Helpers Can Be Naughty, Too

This Hanukah Helper isn’t all that helpful.

Ilana recently had her 2nd kid in less than 3 years. This lady could use an extra pair of hands around the house during the holiday season.

Abraham the Hanukah Helper arrived in good spirits and a fuzzy blue jumpsuit.

On the first night of Hanukah, Ilana and her newly-expanded family began their celebration with a special blessing and candle-lighting, trusting that Abraham was taking care of things in the kitchen.

He wasn’t. 

 This did not go over well.

Furious at his prank, but still desperate for back-up, Ilana sent Abraham to get the gelt for little Mazzy. Can’t get that wrong…right?

Mazzy was thrilled to see the bag of coins, because she knew that beneath the gold wrappers was delicious chocolate candy.

Or was it?

Later that evening, just when Ilana finally got the baby to sleep and was ready to tuck in for the night herself,  pint-sized footsteps bolting towards the toilet told her something was amiss. It didn’t take long for her to suss out the truth about her horrible Hanukah Helper.  

 Abraham confessed to his crimes of pork and pooping, and was sentenced to spending the other 7 nights of Hanukah doing all of the middle-of-the-night feedings of the newborn. This punishment of diaper duty in the dark and a week without sleep should straighten him right out. Hopefully.

Elf Hanukah Helper submitted by Ilana of MommyShorts.
See more of Abraham’s antics here
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