The Number One Elf on the Shelf Tip of Them All

Managing your Elf on the Shelf every winter can be a hassle.

The logistics take time and brain power many of us parents simply don’t have during the hectic holiday season. Facebook feeds are FULL of laments about this responsibility–especially about forgetting to move the elf.

This is why I’m about to hand you an Elf on the Shelf tip that will save your sanity.

Top Elf on the Shelf Tip by ElfShaming

Your mind is about to be blown, and your thumbs are about to take action.

Are you ready?

THIS is what you need in you life:

Elf on the Shelf Reminders by ElfShaming

 

Set up those three reminders every day–use code words if your little ones use your phone on the regular–then sit back, relax, and don’t worry about a thing until it’s time to box that felty bastard back up again on Christmas Eve.

Fall asleep early? Not a problem! Your morning alarm will wake you in time to dash downstairs and make the magic happen before your kids get up and start their daily search.

Need some ideas for what to do with them every night? Check out these 106 ideas.

You’re welcome.

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Insane in the Elf Brain

Everyone hopes they’ll get The Best Elf Ever each holiday season.

Maybe one with a sweet face and festive, jingly outfit!!!

What’s important to understand is that yes, elves come in all shapes, sizes, and colors…but it doesn’t matter what they look like – or how adorably innocent they appear to be. 

They will always get into trouble.

Insane, but true, facts about elves: 

1. They will always raid the candy and snack cabinet.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got the Candy on ElfShaming

2. They will always try to swim in your marshmallows.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf swims in marshmallows on ElfShaming

3. They will always find their way into your liquor cabinet (and sombrero wall hangings).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got into the booze on ElfShaming

4. They will always read your porn on the potty (and probably not flush afterwards).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf reads porn on the potty on ElfShaming

5. They will always twerk The Biebs, if given the opportunity. 

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf twerks Justin Bieber on ElfShaming


So, really: TRUST NONE OF THEM.

Even “The Best Elf Ever” is insane in the elf brain. They just can’t help themselves.

(And you should probably lock up your Biebster at least ’til the New Year.)

Today’s Elf is Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain. She likes to raise money for good causes, like kids with cancer. You can help her do just that right here. I already did!
Follow Patti on her blog and Facebook.
Want to submit an elf? Email it to ElfShaming@Gmail.com

Dobbie’s Back – and He’s Crafting!

Dobbie the Elf is Back on ElfShaming

Dobbie is one of the most (in)famous elves on the internet.

Many call him an inappropriate Elf on the Shelf.

He’s perfectly fine with that.

He happens to live with an artsy crafty family, and took it upon himself to join in on the family fun. You know, help decorate the house. Make it look more festive.

Snowflakes are a lovely addition to any home’s decor. There’s no way a project like this could go wrong. Unless…

Dobbie making snowflakes Elf on the Shelf Idea TheBeardedIris on ElfShaming

Oh, Dobbie. Not again.

Elf submitted by The Bearded Iris. Find it on the Baby Rabies #InappropriateElf contest, as well!

Dobbie Gives a Shit

Dobbie was the first Elf on the Shelf to kind of scare the bejeezus outta me.

I mean, he drank a lot and carried big knives when I first “met” him online last year. Reason enough, right?

He caught a bit of flack for his escapades from his host mom Leslie, of TheBeardedIris. She hid the knives. She reminded him of his duties as an official Elf on the Shelf.

She cried “Don’t you even give a shit, Dobbie?”

Not long after her plea, she discovered him doing just that. 

Of COURSE I give a shit. See?
I’ve been stinking up the joint for hours now.

Enough was enough!

Leslie put her foot down then and there: No more peeing his name in the faux snow, no more dirty Scrabble games with animals, and no more foul language.

Dobbie reluctantly agreed, drifting off to a corner shelf bedazzled with Christmas spirit, leaving a trail of magical sparkles in his wake.

A full 24 hours went by without incident. Dobbie did his job. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It was a Christmas Miracle! After over a decade of parenting, someone Leslie asked to behave actually did – WOO HOOOO!!!

She went to the fridge to assemble a celebratory cake, when that undersized imp appeared like a vision of assholery.

 Exactly. 

Well then. Maybe he’s not quite the good listener after all. 

I guess it’s back to a December spent hiding the booze and knives…

Elf submitted by Leslie of TheBeardedIris.com.
Her 1st Dobbie post ignited my love of naughty elves. 

Follow Leslie on FacebookTwitter & Pinterest.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Hermey Gets a Second Chance

Some elves are happy to be Shamed. They’re a better Elf for it.

Take Hermey, for instance.

He had a pretty big dream, but got sidetracked by some dastardly distractions.

Yet, he has no problem admitting his flaws. He feels that if he digs deeply enough, he’ll find the answers to why he did what he did.

Why he snorted what he snorted. 

Why he landed himself in lock-up.

Here, let’s take a peek into his latest therapy session…

Hooray!

Finally, a Shamed Elf who got the help he needed and now is on the path to becoming the man Elf he deserves to be.

Don’t you just love a happy ending?

Get your own set of Hermey and his friends here:

Elf (and his gang) submitted by Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
Follow Bethany on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Choppy Elfie is a Lazy S.O.B.

A little self-motivation would be nice, Choppy Elfie.

You’d think the girl who wrote the most viral Elf on the Shelf blog post to date would be sent a quality Elf from Santa.

Not. The case.

Choppy Elfie belongs to Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat fame. He has a myriad of festive perching options because Jen was raised by an Overachieving Mom and was well-trained in Excessive Holiday Decorating. Even before the elf arrives in late November, every surface of her home is drowning in garland, wreaths, faux snow, and Christmas Villages.

Oh! The possibilities!

Her kids could be tickled with a silly surprise each morning, for their Elf has enough clever Christmassy nooks and glittery seating to select a fun new spot each morning.

But no. He’s one lazy Sonnofabee.

He just sloooowly meanders from one particular kitchen shelf to the fireplace mantle then back again, every night of his stay. Back and forth. Over and over again.

We all get tired during the holidays too, Choppy Elfie, but we at least make an effort. We don festive earrings and horrible Reindeer sweaters our moms knit us, while battling rabid/drunk shoppers at the mall. We bake 4,000 butter cookies to give away, and lose toes due to hypothermia while building kick-ass snowmen for our kids.

How could you possibly have “bad days”, you melodramatic munchkin? All you need to do is move around the house and be magical while children whisper their gift lists to you and kiss up to their parents.

This Two Perch Plan of yours is an insult to all of us who’ve had to sit through that creepy Maria Carey/Justin Beiber “All I Want for Christmas is You” music video, or eat actual Christmas Cake in front of the person who made it, rubbery green cherries and all.

Buck up, Buttercup and step up your game, or Jen will be forced to punch you in the throat, we’ll be forced to call in the big guns and fire your ass, then back to the elfin sweatshop you’ll go…

Elf submitted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
You want to buy her book. Trust me: you’ll laugh.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Elf on the Shelf at Target

Jenn needed to run a simple errand: Shopping at Target.

She wasn’t expecting a pint-sized magical plush helper to tag along.

This unnamed girlie Elf hopped into Jenn’s cart as she passed by. Being an open-minded gal with things to do, Jenn didn’t say much of anything.

She even overlooked a little trouble-making in the holiday aisle.

Then things started getting personal. Like, Mean Girls, personal.

Not cool, you Arctic anarchist. Not. Cool.

Only two more stops before Jenn could loop back around to drop this feisty Elf off where she came from. If she only knew that Santa’s Helper would want to get innocent Target customers arrested for shoplifting, she would have kicked the Elf out right then and there!

It couldn’t possible get worse than jail time…could it?!

Before Elf could do any more harm, Jenn grabbed her prescription from the Pharmacist while dashing back to the Elf on the Shelf display, ridding herself of her unscrupulous passenger for good.

Little did she know, there was one last trick up the Elf’s scarlet sleeve.

Let’s hope that Jenn figures this one out before it’s too late. 

 

Elf submitted by Jenn of Something Clever 2.0
Follow Jenn on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

One Elf’s Hard Times

Ohhhh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…

At least you know when you’ve done wrong.

 

His story is a sad one that has the feel of a Charles Dickens tale mixed with grain alcohol and lace panties.

Johnny hated his job. He was caught under the influence one too many times. He fell on hard times, which did nothing to curtail his drinking. 

He did some things he shouldn’t have.

He got caught. There was a BIG scene. His wife found out.

Barbie tossed his ass out of the Dream House. His clothes, his fancy hats, his pride…everything was scattered on the front lawn.

He drank more. He wore her clothes, which he stole from the house when she was out grocery shopping one afternoon. He rarely showed up for work.

Johnny’s days were spent drinking. His nights were spent puking.
This was not the life Santa had hoped for him.

One morning he woke up in Barbie’s satin spangled house frock, reeking of rum and regret, and realized that it was up to him to make his life worth living again. It didn’t take magic to make him a Good Elf, it took courage.

He threw out all the spiked eggnog he had left in his rental apartment, and headed back home to his love, ready to reenact her favorite John Cusak movie scene in an attempt to win her back.

 Will Johnny keep up the cleaned-up act? Will Barbie forgive his drunken, philandering ways? 

Only time will tell. 

Elf submitted by Kate Horey of ThePushUpBlog

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Chucky’s Favorite Things

Chucky the Elf likes lots of things.

Some of the things he likes are a little rebellious.

Ohhhh….Chucky….

Others result in a behavior that is a bit more depraved.

Thank goodness he’s in a one-piece suit that zips in the back.

Having a seasonal preference isn’t something to be that ashamed of, but springing fresh wood each time an innocent mom strolls by definitely is. 

Let’s hope Chucky is able to keep his love at a distance this holiday season.

And by “love” I mean “rock hard elfish wiener”.

Elf submitted by Anna of MyLifeAndKids.com
Follow Anna on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.