A Coin Toss Frosty Will Never Forget

Have you ever been in a situation that seemed normal at first, but then something in the frostiest recesses of your snowy gut made you realized that this elf might just have a flame thrower or the like he would use on you if the mood struck?

Elf on the Shelf No Country for Old Men Coin Toss Scene on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

I’m guessing our little snowman here feels the same way right about now.

Does this elf remind you a little too much of Anton from No Country for Old Men, or is it just me? The bowl-like haircut, creepy stare, overly-calm demeanor? GET ME OUTTA HERE.

He’s not the only one that’s taking on Anton’s creeptastic behavior. Check out Amy Kalasunas’ story:

Sure, the off season is hard for every elf. Staying out of sight in the sock drawer isn’t much of a life, and even with lightning-fast internet connections, monotony can take its toll. With only Netflix to entertain her, Gertie’s fragile grip on sanity starts to weaken, and the month of June finds her watching only one blood-soaked movie over and over and over…No Country for Old Men.

Spending her days rocking silently back and forth, Gertie clutches her limp legs to her chest, wondering how long she can ignore the voice under her red cap…. ” THE PIG MUST DIE….. THE PIG MUST DIE…..” Clamping thumbless mittens over her ears does no good – the chanting just gets louder…more insistent…

On a blustery November day, the scent of baking turkey finally wafts to the sock drawer. With a rasping creak of cotton, Gertie slowly climbs to her feet, clear with the notion of what she must do.

CRACK!

The time has come. The pig must die.

Amy Kalasunas on ElfShaming No Country for Old Men

No country for old guinea pigs, either, I guess.

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He Should Have Asked Permission

There are many, many (HOLY COW SO MANY) movie scenes in existence that are dark, disturbing, and unbelievably violent.

But, honestly, is anything more cruel than telling someone you’re going to don an imaginary straw from across the room to consume their delicious, frosty treat?

I SAY NOPE.

Elf on the Shelf There Will Be Blood on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

 

(Cue the creepy, sadistic, dark, finger-pointing psychological terror.)

Elf on the Shelf I Drink Your Milkshake from There Will Be Blood on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

Milkshakes are not to be messed with, sir. That’s just downright naughty.

Speaking of naughty elves, many a moon ago I was at the theater to see There Will Be Blood with a friend. At one point something caught our eye: there was a middle-aged couple totally making out a few rows ahead of us. I guess dark psychological films about terrible human beings are a turn-on to come folk?

I wonder whether they made The Naughty List that year. Hm.

I’m gonna go with “probably.”

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Why You Should Not Upset Your Elf

As much as you might resent having to remember every night to move your elf.

As tempting as it is to talk trash about your elf with friends.

As delicious it would taste to chuck that thing in the bin while enjoying a nice glass of chianti.

Please be careful not to piss it off too much.

Elf on the Shelf The Godfather on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

These things are serious when it comes to sending a message.

Heck, it doesn’t even matter who did the pissing-off. Elves aren’t above using their own kind to make a point.

Elf on the Shelf The Godfather Horse Head Scene on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

Trust me: this is not something you want to wake up to.

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The Kind of Shining You ABSOLUTELY Do Not Want on Your Tree

It’s a good thing we’re getting some time off for the holidays, because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

And by that I mean OMG LOOK OUT HE HAS AN AXE!

Elf on the Shelf The Shining on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

The funny thing is that this doesn’t look too scary if you haven’t seen the movie. But if you have seen it? I’m truly sorry for making you piddle your pants and fear your upcoming hotel stay.

Then again, maybe playtime isn’t always as fun as it could be?

The Shining Twins on ElfShaming

Have any other favorite scenes from The Shining? Send them my way. I love them all in the “I will never sleep again” sort of way.

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