Insane in the Elf Brain

Everyone hopes they’ll get The Best Elf Ever each holiday season.

Maybe one with a sweet face and festive, jingly outfit!!!

What’s important to understand is that yes, elves come in all shapes, sizes, and colors…but it doesn’t matter what they look like – or how adorably innocent they appear to be. 

They will always get into trouble.

Insane, but true, facts about elves: 

1. They will always raid the candy and snack cabinet.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got the Candy on ElfShaming

2. They will always try to swim in your marshmallows.

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf swims in marshmallows on ElfShaming

3. They will always find their way into your liquor cabinet (and sombrero wall hangings).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf got into the booze on ElfShaming

4. They will always read your porn on the potty (and probably not flush afterwards).

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf reads porn on the potty on ElfShaming

5. They will always twerk The Biebs, if given the opportunity. 

Patti InsaneInTheMomBrain Elf twerks Justin Bieber on ElfShaming


So, really: TRUST NONE OF THEM.

Even “The Best Elf Ever” is insane in the elf brain. They just can’t help themselves.

(And you should probably lock up your Biebster at least ’til the New Year.)

Today’s Elf is Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain. She likes to raise money for good causes, like kids with cancer. You can help her do just that right here. I already did!
Follow Patti on her blog and Facebook.
Want to submit an elf? Email it to ElfShaming@Gmail.com

This Bad Elf Likes Cabernet

All Jessica wanted to do after a long day with the kids and work was sit down with a nice glass of wine.

But two bottles of her favorite Cabernet were missing!

How could that be!?!

A thirsty elf on @ElfShaming via @JessBWatson Elf on the Shelf

Oh, Jingle Flower. Did you think she wouldn’t notice?

You naughty, drunken elf. Back to the North Pole you go!

(You might want to take a few Tylenol with you for the trip, little guy.)

Elf submitted by Jessica Watson of Four Plus an Angel.
Follow her on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest.
Want to submit an elf of your own? Email ElfShaming@Gmail.com.

Elfie Thinks He’s Scarface

Wendy is very, very busy.

She has a family, responsibilities – she’s even a food blogger! It’s not like the woman can always keep her eye on her elf!

But ohhh what an elf she has.

On Thanksgiving morning as Wendy unwrapped the turkey to begin preparations for a festive feast, guess who arrived in Bad Elf fashion?

Elfie Arrives on @ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien #turkey
Did somebody say “stuffing”?

Before the kids could see anything, Wendy yanked Elfie out of his hidey-hole and begged him to be better behaved. He’s supposed to be setting a good example for the children, right?

Yet as soon as she turned her back on him, he was dipping into the booze and rubbers…as well as the Barbies.

Elfie enjoys tequila and condoms on ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien
Was it as good for you two as it was for me?

Oh, Elfie!

One can understand the little fella getting lonely after 11 months away in the clink North Pole, so Wendy tried to forgive his sexual antics. She gave him another chance.

And guess what he did with that chance?

Scarface Elfie does cocaine on @ElfShaming via Wendy Bentien
Oh no.

Blow.

Yep, Scarface Elfie was caught snorting coke with a couple of princesses, a tea kettle, a snuggly critter on Ecstasy, and a very, very paranoid Smurf.

At this point you just gotta roll with the punches, and hope next year you get a better-behaved elf.

Good luck, Wendy. I think you’re gonna need it.

Elf submitted by Wendy Bentien. Follow her on Facebook.
Have an elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.
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These Elves Made the Most of Their Last Weekend of Freedom

They knew the end was near.

The Elf End is Near on @ElfShaming

And we’re not talking about the Mayan End-of-the-World thing.

The elves knew that this was the last weekend before Christmas. So they did what they do best.

GOT COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Wayne & Billy went to a cabin in Big Bear with their cousins, partying hard with Barbie and one of those whorish Monster High Dolls.

Elves submitted by Val Perez.
Elves submitted by Val Perez.

But he wasn’t the only one into drugs and booze…

Elf submitted by Melinda F.
Elf submitted by Melinda F.

Blink the Elf surrounded himself with all the Holiday Ladies of the house, talking them into a one-man “celebration.”

Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.
Elf submitted by Ryann Cox.

Henry refused to leave the bar even ONCE to check on the kids.

Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.
Elf submitted by Dani Christiano.

Bob tried to get himself kicked out of the North Pole.

Elf submitted by Jodi.
Elf submitted by Jodi via Facebook.

This guy became a Chippendales dancer.

Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.
Elf submitted by Rebecca W via Facebook.

Some cracked open their owners’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and put it to the test.

Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Elf submitted by SAHM I Am. Cocktail I Want. via Facebook.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.
Gordon the Elf submitted by Jenn.

 There’s many, many, MANNNNNNY more where that came from. 

But at this point? I’m getting downright disgusted at all this debauchery.

Damn elves.

Elf submitted via email & Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

A Simple Explanation

I think I have an explanation for all this bad Elf behavior.

#ElfShaming Facts by @LetMeStart

Sure, they are born impish, and must get bored spending 11 months hanging out in a box in the attic. I mean…at the The North Pole.

It’s not surprising that all their pent-up energy comes out in full fury come December. 

Marshmallows get thrown.

Barbie dolls get seduced.

Toilet paper gets twirled around trees.

But when they take it a bit too far, there might be another reason.

Another easy-to-purchase reason, when you have a thousand co-workers able to create valid-looking fake driver’s licenses. 

Elf Beer on @ElfShaming

Let’s hope if our Elves are crackin’ open some cold ones each night of their stay, that they at least leave a few of their stash behind on Christmas Day for those of us cleaning up after them.

Cheers!

Elf beer photo submitted by Michele L.
Michele’s Elf Kirby has been featured here on ElfShaming.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

You Won’t Believe Where Dickie Doo Has Been

Dickie Doo takes celebrating a bit too far.

PurplePinkie on @ElfShaming #ElfontheShelf

Rhonda and the ladies from The Purple Pinkie Salon were in a festive mood. It was time for their annual Christmas party!

They bid farewell to the salon’s Elf, Dickie Doo, hopped into the car, and headed out for a night of merriment.

Then things took a bit of a turn, to say the least.

Someone snuck a ride.

Shouldn't he be in a really REALLY small carseat?
Shouldn’t he be in a really REALLY small carseat?

When the giggling gang got to the hotel, they thought it would be fine to just leave Dickie Doo in the room.

Then they changed their minds.

Ooooohhhh...big screeeeen...
Ooooohhhh…big screeeeen…

With a resigned sigh, Rhonda popped him in her purse, told him to behave, and went to the bar to toast the holidays with friends and co-workers.

Dickie Doo was quick to get in on the action.

Hey! Quick hoggin' the cabernet, DD!
Hey! Quick hoggin’ the cabernet, DD!

Dickie Doo’s serving size was WAY bigger than it should have been, so the night quickly got out of control.

Case in point: within fifteen minutes of his first drink, Dickie Doo got stuck in the cleavage of Miss Full Figure Drag Queen USA, who suddenly had a fist full of singles.

*mumblemumblemumble!*
*mumblemumblemumble!*

One of Rhonda’s friends was able to pry Dickie Doo out and the ladies dragged him back to the hotel room. Enough is enough, Dickie!

They made him Pinky Swear to be on good behavior for the rest of the night, locked the Adult Access channels on the TV, and went back out without him.

It is unclear what happened after that, but there was a little security footage…

Peek-a-Boo!
Peek-a-Boo!

…and then…

Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!
Must! Not! Leave! Evidence!

Rhonda was charged for six busted hotel security cameras on her floor, in the elevator and by the rear hotel exit, but Dickie Doo didn’t show back up until the following week, so she’s not sure where he went, what he did, or how he got back home.

And Dickie Doo sure as heck ain’t talkin’.

Next year? There will be a mandatory handbag and car search before Rhonda and the Purple Pinkie crew head out for their holiday celebration. You can bet your bottom (crumbled, sweaty) dollar on that.

Elf submitted by Rhonda from The Purple Pinkie.
See more of Rhonda’s crazy elf Dickie Doo on Facebook.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

“Kandy” Had Too Much Fun

Most Girls’ Night Outs just end with fond memories and inside jokes.

But not all of them.

 

What started as drinks with the girls, resulted in a major Life change that could seriously damage her chances at career advancement.

Or will it?

You be the judge. 

Read the whole sordid story here on Juicebox Confession.

Let’s just hope that “Kandy” has learned to lay off the Peppermint Schnapps.  

Elf submitted by Michelle of Juicebox Confession.
Follow Michelle on Facebook & Twitter.

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Jingle Helps Himself

Jingle doesn’t like to ask permission.

It’s fine for your Elf to help himself when you have a bowl of fruit set out for guests, or a candy jar teeming with peppermints for the taking.

It’s not fine when he starts swiping your A.M. Life Blood.

NOOOOOO!!! NOT THE STARBUCKS!!!

To add insult to injury, he skips the formality of drinking the coffee from a cup.

Now that’s just gross.

Not ones to give up their caffeine addiction over a few stray Elf hairs on their Keurig machine, the Fordevilles let Jingle get away with this behavior.

They were lax.

They lost their focus.

They forgot about the booze in the fridge.

Now it’s Fancy Coffee Cocktails every day for Jingle. All day long.

So each morning, the Fordevilles find him passed out in a new spot. Which isn’t very magical, if you really think about it.

At this rate, Jingle is headed either for eBay at a very deep discount, or rehab.

Elf submitted by Kim of The Fordeville Diaries
Follow Kim on Facebook & Twitter.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

One Elf’s Hard Times

Ohhhh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…

At least you know when you’ve done wrong.

 

His story is a sad one that has the feel of a Charles Dickens tale mixed with grain alcohol and lace panties.

Johnny hated his job. He was caught under the influence one too many times. He fell on hard times, which did nothing to curtail his drinking. 

He did some things he shouldn’t have.

He got caught. There was a BIG scene. His wife found out.

Barbie tossed his ass out of the Dream House. His clothes, his fancy hats, his pride…everything was scattered on the front lawn.

He drank more. He wore her clothes, which he stole from the house when she was out grocery shopping one afternoon. He rarely showed up for work.

Johnny’s days were spent drinking. His nights were spent puking.
This was not the life Santa had hoped for him.

One morning he woke up in Barbie’s satin spangled house frock, reeking of rum and regret, and realized that it was up to him to make his life worth living again. It didn’t take magic to make him a Good Elf, it took courage.

He threw out all the spiked eggnog he had left in his rental apartment, and headed back home to his love, ready to reenact her favorite John Cusak movie scene in an attempt to win her back.

 Will Johnny keep up the cleaned-up act? Will Barbie forgive his drunken, philandering ways? 

Only time will tell. 

Elf submitted by Kate Horey of ThePushUpBlog

Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.

Sporticus Bangs Brobee

Sporticus the Elf should be ashamed of himself.

I’m watching your hands, Mister Sporticus. Very closely.

Last year he was up to no good in Signs Your Elf on the Shelf is on The Naughty List:
– buying Elf Apps without permission
– stealing prescription painkillers & chasing them down with Wild Turkey
– “losing” socks
– masturbating to Elf Porn
– knockin’ boots with Brobee

www.LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com 2011

Let’s hope he can keep his hands off the hooch and his Manhood away from the Yo Gabba Gabba plushies this holiday season.

The freak.

Elf submitted by Kim of LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com
Follow Kim on Facebook, TwitterPinterest & Google+.
Have an Elf you’d like to submit? Find out how HERE.