He Knows Too Much

I have a naughty little elf of another sort visiting me today, while I round up the tiny felty ones who seem to have scattered around here…somewhere. Enjoy!

He Knows too Much by Peyton Price on ElfShaming

by Peyton Price

I’m pretty much shameless about Christmas. I put lights on all four sides of the house the day after Thanksgiving and set a timer to keep them on from 4:30 pm to 11:30 pm every night. I march my family back and forth across acres of trees to find the perfect 12-footer, then cover it with so many decorations you’d never even know it was a real tree. I send paper cards with real handwriting on the card and the envelope. I’m a regular Cindy Lou Who.

So, it might surprise you to hear there are some Christmas moments I’m not proud of. Ones I want to deny ever happened. The trouble is, there’s a witness to these events. A tiny witness who knows too much. He knows about me:

  • Screaming at the kids to “Stay out of the @#$%^& Christmas cookies, for %^&* sake!”
  • Fast forwarding through those two weird songs in the middle of White Christmas.
  • Wrapping up a pair of vases because I broke the third one and don’t have time for this shizz.
  • Hanging my husband’s favorite ornament on the back of the tree, at shin level.
  • Doing what I did to that box of Godiva chocolates, aka seven minutes in heaven.
  • Saying “WHOA” at photo card pubescents.
  • Plucking a dog hair out of the cookie dough.
  • Uttering all seven dirty words that year I bought the cheapo foil wrapping paper.
  • Telling the postal worker there were no liquids in that package of maple syrup.
  • Making everyone wait to open presents until my face is mattified.

Now that I see this naughty list, I realize I can’t take the risk he’ll rat me out to the big man. So I guess this means it’s Christmas curtains for you-know-who. Mum’s the word.

Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her spreading good cheer (or in the closet weeping) and at suburbanhaiku.com.

Her little hardcover book makes the perfect holiday or hostess gift for everyone on your list. See my review of it on Amazon, or click on the image below to learn more:

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