Elves Aren’t Supposed to do Taxidermy

Jenny should have seen this coming.

When The Bloggess brought an Elf on the Shelf into her home, all she asked for was a bit of controlled merriment for her kid.

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…when will you learn?

Of course the felted bitch went rogue.

It began with this:

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

I’m a fan of The Never Ending Story as much as the next 30-something-year-old. But shouldn’t that Elf spend her daylight hours doing what Jenny wants her to do?

For example, either sitting around judging the family like she was created to do, or ransacking the house for hidden drugs like she was asked to do

Instead of sitting or ransacking, this over-achieving Elf misread her instruction manual and took on a task. 

It didn’t take long for her to observe her owner’s love of all things (naturally) dead and stuffed. And sometimes in tasteful costume.

Refusing to leave the gift-giving up to Santa, this Elf got herself a steak knife from the kitchen and tried her (fingerless) hand at taxidermy. Unfortunately, she attempted this on the leather couch. 

Used with permission by TheBloggess.com

Her intentions may have been in a good place. But her knife decidedly was not.

Next time, this little Dexter Morgan of upholstered furniture better leave the crafting to the professionals and just sit her skirted ass down where it belongs.

Even if that means another ride on a golden taxidermied hamster.

Elf submitted by Jenny of TheBloggess.com.
Buy her book. You will laugh obscenely. 

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8 thoughts to “Elves Aren’t Supposed to do Taxidermy”

  1. Darn elf! Seriously, she only has to pull it together for 1 month of the year–you’d think she could just get on board with drug surveillance and put down the steak knife for a few measly weeks…

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