A Coin Toss Frosty Will Never Forget

Have you ever been in a situation that seemed normal at first, but then something in the frostiest recesses of your snowy gut made you realized that this elf might just have a flame thrower or the like he would use on you if the mood struck?

Elf on the Shelf No Country for Old Men Coin Toss Scene on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

I’m guessing our little snowman here feels the same way right about now.

Does this elf remind you a little too much of Anton from No Country for Old Men, or is it just me? The bowl-like haircut, creepy stare, overly-calm demeanor? GET ME OUTTA HERE.

He’s not the only one that’s taking on Anton’s creeptastic behavior. Check out Amy Kalasunas’ story:

Sure, the off season is hard for every elf. Staying out of sight in the sock drawer isn’t much of a life, and even with lightning-fast internet connections, monotony can take its toll. With only Netflix to entertain her, Gertie’s fragile grip on sanity starts to weaken, and the month of June finds her watching only one blood-soaked movie over and over and over…No Country for Old Men.

Spending her days rocking silently back and forth, Gertie clutches her limp legs to her chest, wondering how long she can ignore the voice under her red cap…. ” THE PIG MUST DIE….. THE PIG MUST DIE…..” Clamping thumbless mittens over her ears does no good – the chanting just gets louder…more insistent…

On a blustery November day, the scent of baking turkey finally wafts to the sock drawer. With a rasping creak of cotton, Gertie slowly climbs to her feet, clear with the notion of what she must do.

CRACK!

The time has come. The pig must die.

Amy Kalasunas on ElfShaming No Country for Old Men

No country for old guinea pigs, either, I guess.

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The Number One Elf on the Shelf Tip of Them All

Managing your Elf on the Shelf every winter can be a hassle.

The logistics take time and brain power many of us parents simply don’t have during the hectic holiday season. Facebook feeds are FULL of laments about this responsibility–especially about forgetting to move the elf.

This is why I’m about to hand you an Elf on the Shelf tip that will save your sanity.

Top Elf on the Shelf Tip by ElfShaming

Your mind is about to be blown, and your thumbs are about to take action.

Are you ready?

THIS is what you need in you life:

Elf on the Shelf Reminders by ElfShaming

 

Set up those three reminders every day–use code words if your little ones use your phone on the regular–then sit back, relax, and don’t worry about a thing until it’s time to box that felty bastard back up again on Christmas Eve.

Fall asleep early? Not a problem! Your morning alarm will wake you in time to dash downstairs and make the magic happen before your kids get up and start their daily search.

Need some ideas for what to do with them every night? Check out these 106 ideas.

You’re welcome.

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Revenge is a Dish Served Cold Turkey

Thanksgiving was last week. Wasn’t it delicious?

I thought so!

But Elizabeth wouldn’t know.

Because Elizabeth wasn’t invited to the family feast in her home.

How well did she take the snub?

Thanksgiving Revenge on ElfShaming by Amy Mayo

Um.

Errr.

You could say “not well.”

Thanksgiving Revenge by Amy Mayo on ElfShaming

Note to self: do not piss off Elizabeth the Elf.

If you do so, she will quietly rip the heads off all the turkeys in the house and litter your kitchen with feathers of revenge.

It. Ain’t. Pretty.

See you next Thanksgiving, Elizabeth!

I PINKY PROMISE YOU WILL BE INVITED.

(Because you are one creepy little f*cker.)

Elf submitted by Amy Effing Mayo.
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There is a BIG Difference

Acronyms confuse people.

I admit that I Googled “NSFW” the first time I saw it, and sometimes need to refer to a cheat sheet to understand what people are saying on The Twitter.

But when it comes to MILF vs MELF? I’m not sure how people can not know that these are two VERY different things.

MELF on the shelf vs MILF on the shelf on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

First, the MILF on the Shelf. Usually not an actual elf, often seen in last night’s party dress, or a push-up bra before 3pm. Known to most who see her as a “Mom I’d Like to F…” well, you know how that goes. Almost always wearing mascara. And if she ended up on the shelf? She should probably be ashamed of herself for whatever she did that landed her there.

By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.
By NicoleLeighShaw on NickMom, used with permission.

On the other hand, we have MELF on the Shelf. Usually discovered in the wee hours of the morning, often seen in last night’s pajamas climbing up onto shelves to put the real Elf on the Shelf in a new spot where the kids can’t reach it. Known to Santa as a “Mom Elf” for doing so much watching of the kids before Christmas. Almost always clutching a cup of coffee. And when you find her on a shelf? You should probably help her down, or at least distract the kids before they catch her moving that damn elf at the last minute again.

MELF on the Shelf by Kim Bongiorno on ElfShaming with ElfOnTheShelf

Sure, I guess a MILF can technically be a MELF–but I bet they don’t look very MILF-like while MELFing.

And I’m pretty sure there are both DILFs and DELFs out there, too. Now that I’d like to see.

While I ponder all this, please take a moment to enjoy some other elftasticness on web, courtesy of NickMom, such as:

The Elf Creepiness Chart – Who’s worse: Clay Aiken or Hermey?

The 6 Weirdest Locations for the Elf on the Shelf - Really? An OVEN??

The Elf on the Shelf 2013 Pop Culture Edition – LOLOLOL

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He Should Have Asked Permission

There are many, many (HOLY COW SO MANY) movie scenes in existence that are dark, disturbing, and unbelievably violent.

But, honestly, is anything more cruel than telling someone you’re going to don an imaginary straw from across the room to consume their delicious, frosty treat?

I SAY NOPE.

Elf on the Shelf There Will Be Blood on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

 

(Cue the creepy, sadistic, dark, finger-pointing psychological terror.)

Elf on the Shelf I Drink Your Milkshake from There Will Be Blood on ElfShaming by Kim Bongiorno

Milkshakes are not to be messed with, sir. That’s just downright naughty.

Speaking of naughty elves, many a moon ago I was at the theater to see There Will Be Blood with a friend. At one point something caught our eye: there was a middle-aged couple totally making out a few rows ahead of us. I guess dark psychological films about terrible human beings are a turn-on to come folk?

I wonder whether they made The Naughty List that year. Hm.

I’m gonna go with “probably.”

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