Have you ordered an Elf today?
Have you ordered an Elf today?
Nicole Leigh Shaw had a wonderful time building a gingerbread house town with her four young kids.
They ate gumdrops!
Almost no one got a Time Out for hitting!
To celebrate their masterpiece, Nicole took the family out for hot cocoa. Mmm….cocoa…They entrusted their confection concoction to be watched by their trusty elf, Blinky.
Uh-oh. Blinky looks a bit peckish.
Unfortunately, Blinky has no opposable thumbs with which to open the snack cabinet.
And he was hungry.
By the time Nicole and her brood made it back, the damage was done.
He didn’t just eat a gingerbread house, he ate an entire town.
Blinky’s sugar high was too intense to allow him to apologize. He just sat there atop masticated rooftops and the leftover crumbs of window panes with a glazed look in his eyes and a full belly.
Maybe tomorrow when he poops out all the holiday spirit, he’ll realize the terrible thing he’s done.
Then again? Maybe not.
Elf submitted by writer/blogger extraordinaire, Nicole Leigh Shaw.
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Wendy is very, very busy.
She has a family, responsibilities – she’s even a food blogger! It’s not like the woman can always keep her eye on her elf!
But ohhh what an elf she has.
On Thanksgiving morning as Wendy unwrapped the turkey to begin preparations for a festive feast, guess who arrived in Bad Elf fashion?
Before the kids could see anything, Wendy yanked Elfie out of his hidey-hole and begged him to be better behaved. He’s supposed to be setting a good example for the children, right?
Yet as soon as she turned her back on him, he was dipping into the booze and rubbers…as well as the Barbies.
One can understand the little fella getting lonely after 11 months away in the
clink North Pole, so Wendy tried to forgive his sexual antics. She gave him another chance.
And guess what he did with that chance?
Yep, Scarface Elfie was caught snorting coke with a couple of princesses, a tea kettle, a snuggly critter on Ecstasy, and a very, very paranoid Smurf.
At this point you just gotta roll with the punches, and hope next year you get a better-behaved elf.
Good luck, Wendy. I think you’re gonna need it.
It was a bright, bustling place of laughter and light. The townsfolk enjoyed meeting to exchange pleasantries over tea, or arranging social engagements such as festive dances. It wasn’t uncommon to see gentlemen riding elegant horses with long manes adorned with bows and simple jewels, waving to neighbors and shopkeepers along the route.
Each Christmas season the street lamps would be decorated with boughs of holly, and a knock on your door would reveal rosy-cheeked carolers, whose voices could lift your spirits higher than the tallest birch tree in the forest.
Then Becky the Elf arrived.
Sure, she seemed perfectly fine, but there was something about her eyes that made the townsfolk leery.
Being the polite society that it was, no one openly accused Becky the Elf of anything, and she was welcomed to the dances, dinners, and social engagements just like everyone else.
Then, one night, Becky disappeared from the Sleepy Hollow Annual Winter Ball. She had been looking out the window as the men began arriving, and then she was gone.
Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream echoed through the night, raising goosebumps on the merry flesh of everyone in town, chilling them to the bone. The thumping of hooves soon followed, revealing a headless horseman to the townspeople who fled for their homes.
From that night on a curfew was put in place, for every evening as the moon rose so did the headless horseman. He rode the empty streets in search of the one thing he wanted back more than anything: HIS HEAD. There were no more dinners, no more dances, no more boughs of holly, for everyone feared the wrath of what now haunted the town of Sleepy Hollow.
Man, that Becky. I mean, really…cursing an entire town?
What a bitch. Santa must have been pissed.
Alf the Elf is a good Elf during his days at the Hatton House. He does his elfy duties with nary a smirk.
But when the sun sets and After Hours Alf comes alive…it’s a whole different story.
Once the adults of the house are asleep, Alf gets his groove on with Angel the Tree Topper.
Sure, she exudes innocence with her golden locks and blushing countenance – but don’t let that fool you. She dominates their relationship, forcing her filthy ways on the impressionable Alf. He feels dirty obeying her commands, but he likes it. He likes it A LOT.
Alf’s excuse is that their complicated relationship only lasts one month a year, so, really, how can it possibly hurt to embrace the kink while he can?
It seems the Canadians can’t get their elves to behave, either.
I recently received the following letter from an ElfShaming fan:
After gambling and pole dancing – she even pretended to be Miley Cyrus on the wrecking ball – Shirley the Elf has reached a new low. I found her stretched out among the empty wine bottles with a mysterious white powder on her nose – along with a note from Rob Ford, the illustrious Mayor of Toronto.
I have done the responsible thing and sent her to rehab before Santa needs her to report to duty.
Please pray for me. She’s a bad, bad elf.
I have a feeling the mayor’s “maybe once” stance on crack may apply to Elves, as well.